I once had a friend whose hand went through a windshield during a car accident. Several years and repeated surgeries later, random shards of glass that were hidden deep within his muscle tissue would still surface. I was always strangely fascinated by this, and it has come to mind once again as a fitting representation of my spiritual walk.
Last night I read through a journal I had kept during my first "missions" trip to China back in 2004. It wasn't really missions, since we stayed at an orphanage run by a Christian couple who raised the children to be Christians. There was a lot more babysitting than evangelizing on that trip...but that's beside the point. After I finished reading, I became very afraid. The journal discussed issues that I was going through back then...and I still have the exact same issues now. This confirmed my growing suspicion during the past few months, that I haven't really changed. Yes, the past two years mark the most outward progress I had made in 10 years, but I keep slipping and falling in the exact same ways. This time around, I realized that the main problem isn't my lifestyle. As far back as 2004, or maybe my entire life, I've had the same problems, which simply kept manifesting themselves with different people and in different situations. But I, who I am, hasn't really changed. I've been undergoing the pruning process, but I never asked God to go all the way, into the core of who I am. Until now, I wasn't even aware that it was necessary.
Of course, I don't mean to discount all that I've been through up until now. If I hadn't taken those steps to change my lifestyle and get closer to God, I wouldn't have come to this point. I asked Him to prune the branches, without replacing the defective root. In the past, I have been too quick to jump to conclusions, to think that the lesson was learned after brief realizations. Once a branch was snipped, I said thank you to God, then jumped ahead on my own steam. Of course, this only lasts for so long, so eventually I'd feel burnt out, and become weak to my old self again. I don't think I've ever truly learned to shut off my own voice, and simply listen to God. I've become so good at persuading and deceiving myself, it's scary.
There's something wrong with my personality...how I can't accept people, flaws and all; the ways that I view and treat members of the opposite sex; how I despise people, and seek their approval at the same time... these are all things that I've struggled with since I was a child. So in the end, it's not alcohol, drugs, or promiscuity that are to blame. There's a sickness inside of me, that needs to be healed. And the only one who can do that, which I am sure of now, is Jesus.
The thing is, I don't want to play Christian, or even just "try hard" at it. Win or lose, I want to be genuine through it all. I'm seeking truth, the deepest nature of reality... and in this messed up, temporary world, the only one with the answers is God. But I need rewiring... the deepest parts of my being need to surface, be confronted, and healed by my perpetual Savior. It's so humbling to be utterly dependent on Him for all of this, not knowing what needs to be done, or what will come out, or how long it will take. I've spent too much of my life thinking I had things figured out. I now know that I am a child, I know nothing. At first, I felt crappy about it, but right now, it's strangely relieving. The Bible says that we may depend on Him, that He loves us unconditionally, so I'm going full-out, all bets on the truth of the Word.
I'm not sharing this today because I've already received the answers, but in case there are some out there like me, who need to seek intensive healing. I wonder how many of us have only gone as far as trying to fix our bad habits, only to relapse again and again. Or how many of us think we're doing better, because of new people or circumstances, but in actuality we're still the same. Maybe it's time to be rewired.
I think the actual process may be different depending on the individual, but I'm starting with David's cry to God:
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-4
I'd say wish me luck, but there's no such thing. Instead, please speak to God on my behalf...I'm going to need it.
