Of the many followers of God who appear in the Bible, I can especially relate to the apostle Peter. While he followed Jesus around as a disciple, he was impulsive, said things he shouldn't, and frequently let his emotions control his behavior. There is one particular instance that stands out as a metaphor for how my own relationship with God went for a long time:
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” -Matt. 14:25-31
In my own life, I've made many grand claims, only to later change my mind, fail, or give up. None of these I regret more than the declarations I have made regarding my walk with God. On more than one occasion, I've announced that I'm going to change this or that, become this or that kind of person. I'd ask God to transform me, sometimes make promises to Him...only to get discouraged, or doubt, and then give up.
I couldn't really understand it myself...why did I keep impulsively making these claims without following through?
Well, I can't say yet that my word is 100% reliable, but there are definitely some things that I've learned over the years. In the past, half of me wanted to change, but I wasn't willing to work for it. I wanted to skip the hard part, the actual changing, and just get to the results. I was terrified of learning self-control, or having to resist temptation. I also never had to really work hard for anything in my life...I'm naturally lazy and I'd rather avoid it.
One of the main issues here was my lack of faith. Did I truly believe that God had the power to change me, or that he loved me unconditionally and wanted what's best for me? I was afraid that I'd be miserable, hating life. What I knew in my head to be true, I wasn't holding onto in my heart.
Since the first time I seriously surrendered myself to God a couple years ago, our relationship has been real and growing, through all of the ups and downs. If I had to use a visual, it wouldn't be a linear graph. The best analogy I can use right now is peeling an onion: as I get closer to Him, He sheds the layers that sin has trapped me in, and in the process He reveals more and more about Himself, and myself as well. But I'm not disintegrating into nothing; rather, I'm becoming more complete. My sinful nature hasn't disappeared, either (while we're here it'll always exist), but slowly I'm learning to live under the Spirit's control, instead of letting sin tell me what to do. Many times, when I'd stumble, get discouraged, or feel like it was too hard, I'd remember this passage, in which Peter's words so clearly echoed what I knew to be true in my heart:
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” -John 6:66-68
So, although I'm not the exact same person I was, and I know that there's no other path I want to walk, I also know my tendency to make grand declarations, which is why I wasn't sure if I really received a calling to go to law school. At first when the idea came, I dismissed it because I had no desire. I wasn't opposed to going back to school, but law school was extremely difficult, and expensive! But the idea kept coming back...so I prayed, and asked my mom and friends at church to pray for me. If I was going to go through with it, I'd better be sure that God was on my side!
I wasn't receiving a clear answer, so I thought that I should just try, and if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. So I signed up for the LSAT, and an LSAT prep class, a couple weeks before I went on the missions trip to Tijuana. After I got back, I started to become anxious about the upcoming classes, and the test itself. The entire process was starting to become real to me, and I was terrified. So I prayed, seeking assurance, comfort, and basically just whining a lot. I had so many questions, so much uncertainty. Then God brought up the faces of the children in Tijuana I had come to know and love, and asked me that if by becoming a lawyer, I could serve them and others like them, would I do it?
I had no doubt in my heart... my answer was YES. He knows I couldn't refuse them!
And there it was...a calling.
I can relate my conversation with God to one of Peter's:
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. -John 21:15-17
Like Peter, I love God. Also like him, I'm not perfect at loving. I'm sorry that my love is so small, and weak, and prone to failure. But I know that God knows this, and he takes what I offer to Him anyway. And the more I give, the more that He gives me to give. My heart for children, and others who can not support themselves, is entirely God-given. And now He has given me a calling, a way to express that love that He's given me. I gladly accept. I'm still not good at dealing with stress, and I'm having a difficult time with preparing for the LSAT, and the prospect of law school in general. But unless it turns out that I've been hallucinating this entire time, and God isn't calling me to be a lawyer, I'm not going to give up. Like Peter, I will spend the rest of my life serving and loving God.
