I've mentioned before how God works in my experience- peeling layers off, only to become more complete. And a few months ago, I could feel it...A kind of stability, a fullness. Previously, I would often feel shaky and fragile inside. It's like over the past couple years, He was building something within me. Of course, I couldn't tell until He was done. Having realized this, I forged ahead with confidence, and the holidays were full of ministry activity: I spoke at church the Sunday before Christmas, and a few weeks later we had our Women's Retreat. I was active, productive, joyful...but at times I felt like something was missing, or something was wrong. A short while after retreat, I started to spiral into negativity, and my emotions were constantly fluctuating. I couldn't figure it out.
And then in that mysterious way which I am still unfamiliar with, He told me what He wants from me. I didn't hear a physical voice, but in essence He said, "Shelly, I want you to give up your pride." And when He said that, I felt it: pride, lodged in my heart, in the very core of who I am.
And I said, "NO! I don't want to."
This was different than the other times. In the past, it felt like pruning: some lifestyle change here, a little behavior change there. Through it all, I had moments of hesitation, but I was determined to stay with Him.
It's funny because at the time it was all so intense, and I thought He was taking me through huge cycles of transformation...and only looking back, I see that it felt like that because that was all I could handle at the time. And it was all necessary, and life-changing...and I never would have thought that it would come to this point.
In the beginning, I did surrender myself to Him...but all I could give was all that I knew I had to give. It is a lifelong process...and He's patient, meeting us where we're at. In the past, I wouldn't have understood or have been able to give Him what He asked me for a few weeks ago. In fact, when He asked me, I had no idea HOW I would give it up to Him, even if I was willing. How do you let go of something that's inside the very core of your being? I wasn't consciously aware of it before, but He showed me that my pride was my oldest, best friend, what I had used to define me for most of my life. When I was a kid, I was really sensitive, and I got hurt a lot. Eventually, pride was the one that was always there for me, and built up my defenses so I wouldn't be hurt in the same ways ever again. I hated the suffering and helplessness I felt from my dad's drunken rages, so pride said I don't have to be a victim, get angry, hate your dad, do the opposite of everything he wants you to do. I told myself I wouldn't let my dad or any other male hurt me again, so I turned into a femi-Nazi, an independent girl who would never let a guy control me or have the upper hand in any way. In the past I had let girls verbally attack me and manipulate me, and all I could do in my defense was cry. So pride took over in my relationships with women, too. I couldn't trust them, and although I desired their friendship, I easily became paranoid over what they thought of me, and I always isolated myself to a certain extent. I couldn't truly believe that anyone could love me consistently, for who I was. And I also came to believe that I didn't need to attach myself or get in too deep with anyone either.
Pride, a poison locked in my heart, spread and infected all of my relationships. Little did I know, it held me back from going deeper into my relationship with God. I screamed NO when He asked, because I knew that once I gave it up, I would have nothing left to myself. After He asked, it's as if the past two and a half years were wiped from my memory. There were no affections, no motivations, nothing. I had only thoughts, and I debated the potential costs and benefits, becoming angry, even bitter. At the same time I was surprised at myself. How could I be so ungrateful, so cold, after all He's done for me? Now I think it was Him giving me space, respecting my free will, so I would know that I made this decision on my own. Even in that thick darkness, it was His mercy.
I asked that He help me to commit, and I am still going through it now. And I am impacted by the account of His crucifixion in a new way. I am trying to conform myself to the truth that He just loves me. And it's not because I'm better than anyone else. And all I can be, every day, is who I am that day, and that's just fine. Because it's not about the plans I make, how great I am at something, what my goals are. It's not what church I belong to, whether I'm conservative or liberal (theologically), how many programs or ministries I'm involved in. It's not even about how messed up I am, or how long I take to fix my bad habits. There's something I'm looking for, one thing I want to understand, and it's the meaning of these words:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
-Galatians 2:20
I don't want to know this theoretically, figuratively, or through head knowledge. And although serving is important, I don't think Paul was just talking about doing ministry, or being a good person. I want to know this through experience, in the fibers of my being. And I am sure that God will provide, as long as I'm willing.
