So, it has been about 2 weeks since my proclamation that I would keep my drinking under control. So far, I have been drunk once. I'm not too disappointed with my progress, but it has reminded me of how easy it is to slip back into an old habit. And this particular habit has been almost 12 years in the making. A bit scary, isn't it? One positive thing that has come out of this, though, is the realization that the urge to "party" has been virtually eliminated. Am I just too tired, getting too old, or waking up to the obligations of adulthood? Or maybe it's a combination of reasons? Whatever it is, I'm glad that it has happened. It has been a while since I felt the need to go somewhere happenin', or meet new people, but lately I am also feeling less of an urge to binge drink. I don't even have to try to keep it under control, it's just how I feel. I have zero drama in my life these days, and with my dad gone, I'm so peaceful it's making me delirious. Lately, I've felt high on life, which I probably haven't felt since I was a little kid. However, it hasn't stopped me from becoming moody or bad-tempered, and my slightly unpredictable temperament has been magnified that much by my newly peaceful environment. Just like binge drinking, anger is an old habit which I have yet to kick.
That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.
