True Romance

Another day, another blog post...another step in the transformation process! :)
Actually, what I'm about to recount took place during the month of January. I will condense it as much as possible...
One day early in the new year, I was feeling somewhat lonely, and thinking about the benefits of having a companion, someone to share my life with. Afraid to make any more bad decisions without consulting God, I asked Him what would be the best thing to do. I didn't know if it was OK to take the initiative and seek someone, or if I should just sit and wait for God to intervene, or if just sitting around and waiting was being plain lazy. Confused and emotional, I left it to God, and went to sleep.
The next morning (literally), I received a message from an old friend saying that she and another friend had a surprise for me. A few days later, I found out that they had signed me up for eHarmony for one month.
Normally, I would have become furious, but since this "surprise" came so soon after my prayer, I took it as God's provision, and consented to try it out.
It was like giving me the key to my own little Pandora's box of insecurities. Others would see it as overreacting, and maybe I did, but I tend to over-think things and obsess over them so...
During the month that I tried online "dating", I realized a few things. One, I have an enormous bias against relationships, even marriage. This is because literally 95% of marriages and relationships that I know of are not happy, have had many trials, or ended very badly. I didn't have any real reasons to see marriage or dating as desirable...all of the crap that had to be endured seemed to cancel out the benefits. I didn't understand people who went through so much, with what seemed like such little gain. As such, I was extremely afraid of getting involved with anyone romantically, and I had built a fortress of defiance to safely guard my fear. As I felt pressured to put myself out there and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship, stress began hacking away at my defense mechanism. By the end of the month, the walls had come tumbling down, and I just about drowned in a flood of negativity (which surely involved the enemy). Old lies which used to taunt me resurfaced: you'll always be alone, who could love you for who you are? You don't deserve anyone that you think is great, at best you'll have to settle for someone you have no attraction to. It seemed more realistic to believe these lies instead of the truth that God loves me unconditionally and will always provide what's best for me. Thankfully, I shared my negative thoughts with a couple sisters, who helped (gently) pull me out of the dark side.
Having been brought to my senses, I then launched my own investigation to seek the truth. Up until now I had held an attitude of tightly wound fear and negativity toward romantic love...I now fully acknowledged that my old mentality was wrong, and it was time to figure out what the correct attitude was. I decided to start with another book by one of my most favorite Christian women, Elisabeth Elliot. In her book Let Me Be a Woman, she writes to her engaged daughter on the subject of what it means to be a woman in various stages of life, femininity vs. masculinity, etc. I won't go into a detailed discussion here, but one of the things that really hit me were just how much culture, and even in some cases the modern church, has twisted the definitions of man and woman to directly contradict or soft-pedal what the Bible teaches. God is not "sexist" or oppressive, it's modern ideas that attempt to mangle the truth, and deprive us of the joy in living out our God-ordained roles. Now, as a reformed "femi-Nazi" I thought that I was OK in my views of the sexes, but her biblically supported arguments revealed that I still harbored worldly perspectives on some issues. It was a great relief to learn definitions of man and woman that were solidly back by the Word, and didn't compromise with the world. Also, her presentation on marriage described benefits which finally rang true within my soul. I had already come to the conclusion that it wasn't about finding Mr. Perfect (as if he exists), and the purpose of marriage wasn't to make me happy, but I wasn't so sure what was so good about it. Well, having understood what it means to be a woman, I now wanted the chance to one day flesh out those roles as a wife and mother, to be a support to my husband, and live out the example of Christ's relationship with the Church through my marriage. I'd like to experience for myself God's calling for most of us.
With the aid of this book and a lot of prayer, I had more or less settled my perspective on marriage, and corrected it as good and desirable, as our Father of lights has ordained it. But my mission was not yet complete. I still had a shaky position on what comes before the wedding: meeting someone, dating, etc... Cue the next book by Elliot (no, I'm not joking).
A week after I finished Let Me Be a Woman, I bought Quest for Love, which contains true stories of men and women who met and married, relying entirely on God's guidance. In the great majority of cases, they did not date. At all. Shocking, isn't it? Some of the stories indeed seem like fairy tales, what with the "coincidences" that abound, but unlike man-made stories, these are true accounts of God's infinite wisdom and perfect timing. It filled me with a sense of wonder that fairy tales tend to elicit, but it was all the more delightful because these were real events that God brought about in order to unite a man and woman. As women we like to dwell on romantic fantasy, hence the insane popularity of K-dramas, Twilight, etc. But these are all empty, and unhealthy to attach ourselves to. Desiring to depend on God emotionally, and knowing my addictive tendencies, by this time my exposure to any books/TV/films in the romance genre was kept to a minimum. But as I started reading this book, my astonishment led me to dare to open myself up to that sense of wonder and opportunity again. Because this time, it was not a fantasy. This was our God, creator of the universe, caring about individuals enough to involve himself in the details of their love lives. God is also the God of romance, in the real sense. I was blown away by His deep involvement in small events.
So my hope in true love rests in the Lord. I am confident He cares enough to take care of this part of my life. I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs, however.
There are a few things that the people in this book had in common, and you and I would do well to learn from them. First, they submitted their hearts to the Lord. Whether it was loneliness, desire for marriage, unrequited love, or impulsive passions, they gave them up and laid them all at His feet. Second, they continued to do what they had to do each day. Regardless of how they felt, they remained in the present and did what God asked of them. Third, they waited upon the Lord. They chose to trust Him, and remained alert for His voice and direction.
Now, of course none of this is easy. But anything that's worth gaining is not easily attained, and there's no true happiness without holiness. So, regardless of how I feel, I'm going to wait on God...even if it means that marriage isn't in the picture. Eharmony was an interesting experience, but I refuse to grasp at whatever God has not put within my reach. And dating more wrong people is not going get me anywhere closer to the right one. The world has such a twisted, crap-tastic view on love...the enemy's been working on it for a long time, no doubt. I will no longer settle for a poor substitute...I choose real Love.