BFF

I have a confession to make: I'm a total wuss. I can't handle pain, I always want to run from stress, and any amount of real responsibility can quickly become a burden.

And I know that God knows this. If the past 2 years have shown me anything, it's that He only gives me what I can handle, and He always gives me periods of rest in between. Baby steps so far, for one big baby.

Recently, things got a little more serious. A couple of weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer. During those first few days, I was in shock, and a million scenarios ran through my head. Now, we all know that people die, but I realized that I've never had to think about it seriously. So I cried, prayed, researched, basically tried to get my mind right. I was scared...but the fear for my mom was accompanied by fear for myself. Before me was the familiar temptation to react as I always do when my mom is having a hard time: start feeling sorry for myself for the extra burden placed upon me, and become bitter and irritated, wanting things to go back to normal. Sure enough, once we saw the doctor and I was reassured by his confidence in a complete recovery (God bless him), I started to think more about my own situation. Once she had the surgery, she would need at least 2 weeks to fully rest, which means I'll be doing her job and mine at work, as well as taking care of the house work, and running errands. The thought of having everything up to me wore me down and irritated me. At the same time, I hated myself for being so selfish, while feeling unable to stop it. It doesn't make sense, does it? How could I sit there and throw myself a pity party while my mom is the one who has cancer? After all that she's done and sacrificed for our family? I so desperately wished I had been born with a more submissive nature, like those poor innocent girls in Korean dramas.

Angry at myself and my situation, I was bitter towards God. Why did you make me like this? Why is this happening? Why don't I have anyone to help me? Is this the reward I get for following you? I lashed out, imagining an aloof, distant, unfeeling Spirit Being, who simply watched while He put me through various obstacle courses. But after I was done with my tantrum, I knew I had to conform myself to the truth. It truly bothered me that I could still rage as I did, although I knew better. But my knowledge wasn't enough...since I've been on a quest to know God's truth by experience, I investigated. And in the past couple of weeks, this is what I've learned.

One fundamental flaw in my thinking was that I expected God to love me the way that I wanted to be loved, according to what I thought love was supposed to be. Strangely, as much as I gag at mushy, sentimental pictures of love, that's what I wanted from Him. I desired no pain, no stress, and plenty of coddling, kittens, and butterflies. But what do I actually know about real love? The Bible tells us that God is love, so surely the definition lies with Him, not with me, or the world. And what I've learned is, He is unpredictable, mysterious, and His methods are usually hard to understand. We get the image of being carried on eagle's wings in His word, and it always implied a place of safety to me, until I discovered how mother eagles raise their offspring. If you didn't know, eagles build their nests only in very high places. They teach the eaglets how to fly by pushing them out of the nest, and letting them flap and fall for a distance, then they catch them and put them back. They repeat the process until the young one can fly on its own. Can you imagine how it would feel? I think I'm starting to.

So, is that it then? Are we helpless puppets, pushed this way and that by a merciless Supreme Being? Thankfully, no. Above, underneath, and through it all, is a passionate, all-encompassing, persistent Love. God is all-powerful and all-knowing, Creator of all things, capable of wiping out the human race in one blow, but at the same time, He is gentle, long-suffering, patient, and merciful. In my small-minded attempt to respect Him, I thought mainly of His greatness, and distanced myself from Him. After all, I am just a worm, a dirty sinner... how could He be anywhere near me? Yet His word tells us:

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Heb. 4:14-16

"Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters." -Heb. 2:11

"You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." -John 15:14-15

Up until now, I've had a very hard time thinking of Jesus as my friend. The God of the universe, putting himself at my level? No way! But He came here, and went through it all, to make this very thing possible. When I think about it, He could have zapped himself here as a grown man, cut it down to 3 years, and then left. But He didn't. He went through the icky process of being born, and grew up as we did. He knows what it's like to be misunderstood, lonely, betrayed, taken advantage of. He knows what it's like to be tempted, and he knows the full extent of it, since He never gave in. He knows what it's like to suffer for the will of God...He knows the magnitude of the temptation to say no. He did all of this, so that He can save us, and also so that He can relate to us and be there for us. Isn't that what friends do for each other? Stick together through thick and thin, do what's best for the other, even if it's not the easiest option?

I've always wanted an ideal best friend, one who would fully understand me, love me and stay faithful no matter what I did, defend me even if the entire world was against me. Time and again I hoped to receive these things from people, only to be disappointed eventually. It took a long time for me to realize that it's unrealistic, and not right to expect so much. After all, we're only human. The most blissful discovery, however, is realizing that I DO have a Best Friend, a perfect, forever Friend. He'll never leave me or fail me. He'll always have my best interests at heart...and lucky for me, He's in control, not only of my circumstances, but of the entire world's. We, the church, are His body. He's the vine, we're the branches. Can you fathom this intimate connection? It's not just symbolism, or pretty words. HE LIVES THROUGH ME. Whatever I go through, He's right there with me. And He'll never let me suffer for no reason. Everything will work to accomplish His purposes. Yes, He can be unpredictable and mysterious, but man, is He good. And I wouldn't know just how good He is, if I didn't go through hard times with Him. We don't suffer on our own...we are truly sharing in His sufferings, as the Bible says.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

Pain isn't pleasant, and I'm not strong. But I'll never give up, because I know my response to Jesus is the same as Peter's:
"From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" -John 6:66-8





PS- For those seeking extra encouragement, I'm currently reading Finding Your Way through Loneliness by...who else? Elisabeth Elliot. =)