I've mentioned before how God works in my experience- peeling layers off, only to become more complete. And a few months ago, I could feel it...A kind of stability, a fullness. Previously, I would often feel shaky and fragile inside. It's like over the past couple years, He was building something within me. Of course, I couldn't tell until He was done. Having realized this, I forged ahead with confidence, and the holidays were full of ministry activity: I spoke at church the Sunday before Christmas, and a few weeks later we had our Women's Retreat. I was active, productive, joyful...but at times I felt like something was missing, or something was wrong. A short while after retreat, I started to spiral into negativity, and my emotions were constantly fluctuating. I couldn't figure it out.
And then in that mysterious way which I am still unfamiliar with, He told me what He wants from me. I didn't hear a physical voice, but in essence He said, "Shelly, I want you to give up your pride." And when He said that, I felt it: pride, lodged in my heart, in the very core of who I am.
And I said, "NO! I don't want to."
This was different than the other times. In the past, it felt like pruning: some lifestyle change here, a little behavior change there. Through it all, I had moments of hesitation, but I was determined to stay with Him.
It's funny because at the time it was all so intense, and I thought He was taking me through huge cycles of transformation...and only looking back, I see that it felt like that because that was all I could handle at the time. And it was all necessary, and life-changing...and I never would have thought that it would come to this point.
In the beginning, I did surrender myself to Him...but all I could give was all that I knew I had to give. It is a lifelong process...and He's patient, meeting us where we're at. In the past, I wouldn't have understood or have been able to give Him what He asked me for a few weeks ago. In fact, when He asked me, I had no idea HOW I would give it up to Him, even if I was willing. How do you let go of something that's inside the very core of your being? I wasn't consciously aware of it before, but He showed me that my pride was my oldest, best friend, what I had used to define me for most of my life. When I was a kid, I was really sensitive, and I got hurt a lot. Eventually, pride was the one that was always there for me, and built up my defenses so I wouldn't be hurt in the same ways ever again. I hated the suffering and helplessness I felt from my dad's drunken rages, so pride said I don't have to be a victim, get angry, hate your dad, do the opposite of everything he wants you to do. I told myself I wouldn't let my dad or any other male hurt me again, so I turned into a femi-Nazi, an independent girl who would never let a guy control me or have the upper hand in any way. In the past I had let girls verbally attack me and manipulate me, and all I could do in my defense was cry. So pride took over in my relationships with women, too. I couldn't trust them, and although I desired their friendship, I easily became paranoid over what they thought of me, and I always isolated myself to a certain extent. I couldn't truly believe that anyone could love me consistently, for who I was. And I also came to believe that I didn't need to attach myself or get in too deep with anyone either.
Pride, a poison locked in my heart, spread and infected all of my relationships. Little did I know, it held me back from going deeper into my relationship with God. I screamed NO when He asked, because I knew that once I gave it up, I would have nothing left to myself. After He asked, it's as if the past two and a half years were wiped from my memory. There were no affections, no motivations, nothing. I had only thoughts, and I debated the potential costs and benefits, becoming angry, even bitter. At the same time I was surprised at myself. How could I be so ungrateful, so cold, after all He's done for me? Now I think it was Him giving me space, respecting my free will, so I would know that I made this decision on my own. Even in that thick darkness, it was His mercy.
I asked that He help me to commit, and I am still going through it now. And I am impacted by the account of His crucifixion in a new way. I am trying to conform myself to the truth that He just loves me. And it's not because I'm better than anyone else. And all I can be, every day, is who I am that day, and that's just fine. Because it's not about the plans I make, how great I am at something, what my goals are. It's not what church I belong to, whether I'm conservative or liberal (theologically), how many programs or ministries I'm involved in. It's not even about how messed up I am, or how long I take to fix my bad habits. There's something I'm looking for, one thing I want to understand, and it's the meaning of these words:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
-Galatians 2:20
I don't want to know this theoretically, figuratively, or through head knowledge. And although serving is important, I don't think Paul was just talking about doing ministry, or being a good person. I want to know this through experience, in the fibers of my being. And I am sure that God will provide, as long as I'm willing.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Monday, August 15, 2011
Calling
Of the many followers of God who appear in the Bible, I can especially relate to the apostle Peter. While he followed Jesus around as a disciple, he was impulsive, said things he shouldn't, and frequently let his emotions control his behavior. There is one particular instance that stands out as a metaphor for how my own relationship with God went for a long time:
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” -Matt. 14:25-31
In my own life, I've made many grand claims, only to later change my mind, fail, or give up. None of these I regret more than the declarations I have made regarding my walk with God. On more than one occasion, I've announced that I'm going to change this or that, become this or that kind of person. I'd ask God to transform me, sometimes make promises to Him...only to get discouraged, or doubt, and then give up.
I couldn't really understand it myself...why did I keep impulsively making these claims without following through?
Well, I can't say yet that my word is 100% reliable, but there are definitely some things that I've learned over the years. In the past, half of me wanted to change, but I wasn't willing to work for it. I wanted to skip the hard part, the actual changing, and just get to the results. I was terrified of learning self-control, or having to resist temptation. I also never had to really work hard for anything in my life...I'm naturally lazy and I'd rather avoid it.
One of the main issues here was my lack of faith. Did I truly believe that God had the power to change me, or that he loved me unconditionally and wanted what's best for me? I was afraid that I'd be miserable, hating life. What I knew in my head to be true, I wasn't holding onto in my heart.
Since the first time I seriously surrendered myself to God a couple years ago, our relationship has been real and growing, through all of the ups and downs. If I had to use a visual, it wouldn't be a linear graph. The best analogy I can use right now is peeling an onion: as I get closer to Him, He sheds the layers that sin has trapped me in, and in the process He reveals more and more about Himself, and myself as well. But I'm not disintegrating into nothing; rather, I'm becoming more complete. My sinful nature hasn't disappeared, either (while we're here it'll always exist), but slowly I'm learning to live under the Spirit's control, instead of letting sin tell me what to do. Many times, when I'd stumble, get discouraged, or feel like it was too hard, I'd remember this passage, in which Peter's words so clearly echoed what I knew to be true in my heart:
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” -John 6:66-68
So, although I'm not the exact same person I was, and I know that there's no other path I want to walk, I also know my tendency to make grand declarations, which is why I wasn't sure if I really received a calling to go to law school. At first when the idea came, I dismissed it because I had no desire. I wasn't opposed to going back to school, but law school was extremely difficult, and expensive! But the idea kept coming back...so I prayed, and asked my mom and friends at church to pray for me. If I was going to go through with it, I'd better be sure that God was on my side!
I wasn't receiving a clear answer, so I thought that I should just try, and if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. So I signed up for the LSAT, and an LSAT prep class, a couple weeks before I went on the missions trip to Tijuana. After I got back, I started to become anxious about the upcoming classes, and the test itself. The entire process was starting to become real to me, and I was terrified. So I prayed, seeking assurance, comfort, and basically just whining a lot. I had so many questions, so much uncertainty. Then God brought up the faces of the children in Tijuana I had come to know and love, and asked me that if by becoming a lawyer, I could serve them and others like them, would I do it?
I had no doubt in my heart... my answer was YES. He knows I couldn't refuse them!
And there it was...a calling.
I can relate my conversation with God to one of Peter's:
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. -John 21:15-17
Like Peter, I love God. Also like him, I'm not perfect at loving. I'm sorry that my love is so small, and weak, and prone to failure. But I know that God knows this, and he takes what I offer to Him anyway. And the more I give, the more that He gives me to give. My heart for children, and others who can not support themselves, is entirely God-given. And now He has given me a calling, a way to express that love that He's given me. I gladly accept. I'm still not good at dealing with stress, and I'm having a difficult time with preparing for the LSAT, and the prospect of law school in general. But unless it turns out that I've been hallucinating this entire time, and God isn't calling me to be a lawyer, I'm not going to give up. Like Peter, I will spend the rest of my life serving and loving God.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” -Matt. 14:25-31
In my own life, I've made many grand claims, only to later change my mind, fail, or give up. None of these I regret more than the declarations I have made regarding my walk with God. On more than one occasion, I've announced that I'm going to change this or that, become this or that kind of person. I'd ask God to transform me, sometimes make promises to Him...only to get discouraged, or doubt, and then give up.
I couldn't really understand it myself...why did I keep impulsively making these claims without following through?
Well, I can't say yet that my word is 100% reliable, but there are definitely some things that I've learned over the years. In the past, half of me wanted to change, but I wasn't willing to work for it. I wanted to skip the hard part, the actual changing, and just get to the results. I was terrified of learning self-control, or having to resist temptation. I also never had to really work hard for anything in my life...I'm naturally lazy and I'd rather avoid it.
One of the main issues here was my lack of faith. Did I truly believe that God had the power to change me, or that he loved me unconditionally and wanted what's best for me? I was afraid that I'd be miserable, hating life. What I knew in my head to be true, I wasn't holding onto in my heart.
Since the first time I seriously surrendered myself to God a couple years ago, our relationship has been real and growing, through all of the ups and downs. If I had to use a visual, it wouldn't be a linear graph. The best analogy I can use right now is peeling an onion: as I get closer to Him, He sheds the layers that sin has trapped me in, and in the process He reveals more and more about Himself, and myself as well. But I'm not disintegrating into nothing; rather, I'm becoming more complete. My sinful nature hasn't disappeared, either (while we're here it'll always exist), but slowly I'm learning to live under the Spirit's control, instead of letting sin tell me what to do. Many times, when I'd stumble, get discouraged, or feel like it was too hard, I'd remember this passage, in which Peter's words so clearly echoed what I knew to be true in my heart:
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” -John 6:66-68
So, although I'm not the exact same person I was, and I know that there's no other path I want to walk, I also know my tendency to make grand declarations, which is why I wasn't sure if I really received a calling to go to law school. At first when the idea came, I dismissed it because I had no desire. I wasn't opposed to going back to school, but law school was extremely difficult, and expensive! But the idea kept coming back...so I prayed, and asked my mom and friends at church to pray for me. If I was going to go through with it, I'd better be sure that God was on my side!
I wasn't receiving a clear answer, so I thought that I should just try, and if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. So I signed up for the LSAT, and an LSAT prep class, a couple weeks before I went on the missions trip to Tijuana. After I got back, I started to become anxious about the upcoming classes, and the test itself. The entire process was starting to become real to me, and I was terrified. So I prayed, seeking assurance, comfort, and basically just whining a lot. I had so many questions, so much uncertainty. Then God brought up the faces of the children in Tijuana I had come to know and love, and asked me that if by becoming a lawyer, I could serve them and others like them, would I do it?
I had no doubt in my heart... my answer was YES. He knows I couldn't refuse them!
And there it was...a calling.
I can relate my conversation with God to one of Peter's:
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. -John 21:15-17
Like Peter, I love God. Also like him, I'm not perfect at loving. I'm sorry that my love is so small, and weak, and prone to failure. But I know that God knows this, and he takes what I offer to Him anyway. And the more I give, the more that He gives me to give. My heart for children, and others who can not support themselves, is entirely God-given. And now He has given me a calling, a way to express that love that He's given me. I gladly accept. I'm still not good at dealing with stress, and I'm having a difficult time with preparing for the LSAT, and the prospect of law school in general. But unless it turns out that I've been hallucinating this entire time, and God isn't calling me to be a lawyer, I'm not going to give up. Like Peter, I will spend the rest of my life serving and loving God.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tijuana, My Narnia
It's been almost a week since I've come back from a short term missions trip to City of Angels orphanage in Tijuana, Baja California. I can't really put into words how blessed and blissful it was to be there, so I'm not going to try. But I will share one of the most important things that God taught me through this trip.
I think I've gone over enough times how stiff-necked and hard-hearted I can be. Well, during the few weeks before leaving for Mexico, a couple sentences from Paul in 2 Corinthians kept running through my mind:
"We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also." (6:11-13)
In the past, I probably would have dismissed this as a side note to his particular audience, but now I know that God meant these verses for me. Without any strenuous effort of my own, I poured myself out for the children and staff at City of Angels. It's the first time since I was a child, that I so freely opened myself up to people. I am not naturally so selfless or giving. If I am, it is only temporary, and I usually end up bitter or annoyed at their lack of reciprocation. But as I did whatever I was asked to do, bitterness toward these people never entered my heart. Not once did I put my walls up between me and them. In just 10 days, I grew to love them, and I've never had such a hard time separating from anyone who wasn't related to me.
Before the trip, I had been questioning just how I would follow the directions in the verses God put on my mind. In Tijuana, He showed me how. God was over, through, and inside all of us and in everything during those 10 days. Tijuana I now consider my Narnia: we were out of our comfort zone, yet felt like we belonged; we had purpose, a common goal; served those who were different from us, yet built strong bonds with; and He was always there, in everything.
The first couple of days, I really didn't want to be back home. But I knew that God didn't send me there to just be angry and spiteful when I came back, so I've been doing my best to keep up my relationship with Him here, and to continue to keep my walls down. Because I know that our God is the same, whether in Mexico or America. The strength and calm of His presence that was with me there, He can provide here also. I hunger for it so much, as well as to see Him wield His power in the lives of the people around me. The amazing people I met during this trip reminded me that God is alive and His body is present everywhere: whether in Nebraska, Myrtle Creek, or Tijuana. What a blessing to be His agents and build each other up in the unity of His Spirit! I really hope that He can somehow communicate to you the abundance of love and joy that I've experienced in the past 2 weeks.
I think I've gone over enough times how stiff-necked and hard-hearted I can be. Well, during the few weeks before leaving for Mexico, a couple sentences from Paul in 2 Corinthians kept running through my mind:
"We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also." (6:11-13)
In the past, I probably would have dismissed this as a side note to his particular audience, but now I know that God meant these verses for me. Without any strenuous effort of my own, I poured myself out for the children and staff at City of Angels. It's the first time since I was a child, that I so freely opened myself up to people. I am not naturally so selfless or giving. If I am, it is only temporary, and I usually end up bitter or annoyed at their lack of reciprocation. But as I did whatever I was asked to do, bitterness toward these people never entered my heart. Not once did I put my walls up between me and them. In just 10 days, I grew to love them, and I've never had such a hard time separating from anyone who wasn't related to me.
Before the trip, I had been questioning just how I would follow the directions in the verses God put on my mind. In Tijuana, He showed me how. God was over, through, and inside all of us and in everything during those 10 days. Tijuana I now consider my Narnia: we were out of our comfort zone, yet felt like we belonged; we had purpose, a common goal; served those who were different from us, yet built strong bonds with; and He was always there, in everything.
The first couple of days, I really didn't want to be back home. But I knew that God didn't send me there to just be angry and spiteful when I came back, so I've been doing my best to keep up my relationship with Him here, and to continue to keep my walls down. Because I know that our God is the same, whether in Mexico or America. The strength and calm of His presence that was with me there, He can provide here also. I hunger for it so much, as well as to see Him wield His power in the lives of the people around me. The amazing people I met during this trip reminded me that God is alive and His body is present everywhere: whether in Nebraska, Myrtle Creek, or Tijuana. What a blessing to be His agents and build each other up in the unity of His Spirit! I really hope that He can somehow communicate to you the abundance of love and joy that I've experienced in the past 2 weeks.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
BFF
I have a confession to make: I'm a total wuss. I can't handle pain, I always want to run from stress, and any amount of real responsibility can quickly become a burden.
And I know that God knows this. If the past 2 years have shown me anything, it's that He only gives me what I can handle, and He always gives me periods of rest in between. Baby steps so far, for one big baby.
Recently, things got a little more serious. A couple of weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer. During those first few days, I was in shock, and a million scenarios ran through my head. Now, we all know that people die, but I realized that I've never had to think about it seriously. So I cried, prayed, researched, basically tried to get my mind right. I was scared...but the fear for my mom was accompanied by fear for myself. Before me was the familiar temptation to react as I always do when my mom is having a hard time: start feeling sorry for myself for the extra burden placed upon me, and become bitter and irritated, wanting things to go back to normal. Sure enough, once we saw the doctor and I was reassured by his confidence in a complete recovery (God bless him), I started to think more about my own situation. Once she had the surgery, she would need at least 2 weeks to fully rest, which means I'll be doing her job and mine at work, as well as taking care of the house work, and running errands. The thought of having everything up to me wore me down and irritated me. At the same time, I hated myself for being so selfish, while feeling unable to stop it. It doesn't make sense, does it? How could I sit there and throw myself a pity party while my mom is the one who has cancer? After all that she's done and sacrificed for our family? I so desperately wished I had been born with a more submissive nature, like those poor innocent girls in Korean dramas.
Angry at myself and my situation, I was bitter towards God. Why did you make me like this? Why is this happening? Why don't I have anyone to help me? Is this the reward I get for following you? I lashed out, imagining an aloof, distant, unfeeling Spirit Being, who simply watched while He put me through various obstacle courses. But after I was done with my tantrum, I knew I had to conform myself to the truth. It truly bothered me that I could still rage as I did, although I knew better. But my knowledge wasn't enough...since I've been on a quest to know God's truth by experience, I investigated. And in the past couple of weeks, this is what I've learned.
One fundamental flaw in my thinking was that I expected God to love me the way that I wanted to be loved, according to what I thought love was supposed to be. Strangely, as much as I gag at mushy, sentimental pictures of love, that's what I wanted from Him. I desired no pain, no stress, and plenty of coddling, kittens, and butterflies. But what do I actually know about real love? The Bible tells us that God is love, so surely the definition lies with Him, not with me, or the world. And what I've learned is, He is unpredictable, mysterious, and His methods are usually hard to understand. We get the image of being carried on eagle's wings in His word, and it always implied a place of safety to me, until I discovered how mother eagles raise their offspring. If you didn't know, eagles build their nests only in very high places. They teach the eaglets how to fly by pushing them out of the nest, and letting them flap and fall for a distance, then they catch them and put them back. They repeat the process until the young one can fly on its own. Can you imagine how it would feel? I think I'm starting to.
So, is that it then? Are we helpless puppets, pushed this way and that by a merciless Supreme Being? Thankfully, no. Above, underneath, and through it all, is a passionate, all-encompassing, persistent Love. God is all-powerful and all-knowing, Creator of all things, capable of wiping out the human race in one blow, but at the same time, He is gentle, long-suffering, patient, and merciful. In my small-minded attempt to respect Him, I thought mainly of His greatness, and distanced myself from Him. After all, I am just a worm, a dirty sinner... how could He be anywhere near me? Yet His word tells us:
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Heb. 4:14-16
"Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters." -Heb. 2:11
"You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." -John 15:14-15
Up until now, I've had a very hard time thinking of Jesus as my friend. The God of the universe, putting himself at my level? No way! But He came here, and went through it all, to make this very thing possible. When I think about it, He could have zapped himself here as a grown man, cut it down to 3 years, and then left. But He didn't. He went through the icky process of being born, and grew up as we did. He knows what it's like to be misunderstood, lonely, betrayed, taken advantage of. He knows what it's like to be tempted, and he knows the full extent of it, since He never gave in. He knows what it's like to suffer for the will of God...He knows the magnitude of the temptation to say no. He did all of this, so that He can save us, and also so that He can relate to us and be there for us. Isn't that what friends do for each other? Stick together through thick and thin, do what's best for the other, even if it's not the easiest option?
I've always wanted an ideal best friend, one who would fully understand me, love me and stay faithful no matter what I did, defend me even if the entire world was against me. Time and again I hoped to receive these things from people, only to be disappointed eventually. It took a long time for me to realize that it's unrealistic, and not right to expect so much. After all, we're only human. The most blissful discovery, however, is realizing that I DO have a Best Friend, a perfect, forever Friend. He'll never leave me or fail me. He'll always have my best interests at heart...and lucky for me, He's in control, not only of my circumstances, but of the entire world's. We, the church, are His body. He's the vine, we're the branches. Can you fathom this intimate connection? It's not just symbolism, or pretty words. HE LIVES THROUGH ME. Whatever I go through, He's right there with me. And He'll never let me suffer for no reason. Everything will work to accomplish His purposes. Yes, He can be unpredictable and mysterious, but man, is He good. And I wouldn't know just how good He is, if I didn't go through hard times with Him. We don't suffer on our own...we are truly sharing in His sufferings, as the Bible says.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Pain isn't pleasant, and I'm not strong. But I'll never give up, because I know my response to Jesus is the same as Peter's:
"From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" -John 6:66-8
PS- For those seeking extra encouragement, I'm currently reading Finding Your Way through Loneliness by...who else? Elisabeth Elliot. =)
And I know that God knows this. If the past 2 years have shown me anything, it's that He only gives me what I can handle, and He always gives me periods of rest in between. Baby steps so far, for one big baby.
Recently, things got a little more serious. A couple of weeks ago, my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer. During those first few days, I was in shock, and a million scenarios ran through my head. Now, we all know that people die, but I realized that I've never had to think about it seriously. So I cried, prayed, researched, basically tried to get my mind right. I was scared...but the fear for my mom was accompanied by fear for myself. Before me was the familiar temptation to react as I always do when my mom is having a hard time: start feeling sorry for myself for the extra burden placed upon me, and become bitter and irritated, wanting things to go back to normal. Sure enough, once we saw the doctor and I was reassured by his confidence in a complete recovery (God bless him), I started to think more about my own situation. Once she had the surgery, she would need at least 2 weeks to fully rest, which means I'll be doing her job and mine at work, as well as taking care of the house work, and running errands. The thought of having everything up to me wore me down and irritated me. At the same time, I hated myself for being so selfish, while feeling unable to stop it. It doesn't make sense, does it? How could I sit there and throw myself a pity party while my mom is the one who has cancer? After all that she's done and sacrificed for our family? I so desperately wished I had been born with a more submissive nature, like those poor innocent girls in Korean dramas.
Angry at myself and my situation, I was bitter towards God. Why did you make me like this? Why is this happening? Why don't I have anyone to help me? Is this the reward I get for following you? I lashed out, imagining an aloof, distant, unfeeling Spirit Being, who simply watched while He put me through various obstacle courses. But after I was done with my tantrum, I knew I had to conform myself to the truth. It truly bothered me that I could still rage as I did, although I knew better. But my knowledge wasn't enough...since I've been on a quest to know God's truth by experience, I investigated. And in the past couple of weeks, this is what I've learned.
One fundamental flaw in my thinking was that I expected God to love me the way that I wanted to be loved, according to what I thought love was supposed to be. Strangely, as much as I gag at mushy, sentimental pictures of love, that's what I wanted from Him. I desired no pain, no stress, and plenty of coddling, kittens, and butterflies. But what do I actually know about real love? The Bible tells us that God is love, so surely the definition lies with Him, not with me, or the world. And what I've learned is, He is unpredictable, mysterious, and His methods are usually hard to understand. We get the image of being carried on eagle's wings in His word, and it always implied a place of safety to me, until I discovered how mother eagles raise their offspring. If you didn't know, eagles build their nests only in very high places. They teach the eaglets how to fly by pushing them out of the nest, and letting them flap and fall for a distance, then they catch them and put them back. They repeat the process until the young one can fly on its own. Can you imagine how it would feel? I think I'm starting to.
So, is that it then? Are we helpless puppets, pushed this way and that by a merciless Supreme Being? Thankfully, no. Above, underneath, and through it all, is a passionate, all-encompassing, persistent Love. God is all-powerful and all-knowing, Creator of all things, capable of wiping out the human race in one blow, but at the same time, He is gentle, long-suffering, patient, and merciful. In my small-minded attempt to respect Him, I thought mainly of His greatness, and distanced myself from Him. After all, I am just a worm, a dirty sinner... how could He be anywhere near me? Yet His word tells us:
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." -Heb. 4:14-16
"Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters." -Heb. 2:11
"You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you." -John 15:14-15
Up until now, I've had a very hard time thinking of Jesus as my friend. The God of the universe, putting himself at my level? No way! But He came here, and went through it all, to make this very thing possible. When I think about it, He could have zapped himself here as a grown man, cut it down to 3 years, and then left. But He didn't. He went through the icky process of being born, and grew up as we did. He knows what it's like to be misunderstood, lonely, betrayed, taken advantage of. He knows what it's like to be tempted, and he knows the full extent of it, since He never gave in. He knows what it's like to suffer for the will of God...He knows the magnitude of the temptation to say no. He did all of this, so that He can save us, and also so that He can relate to us and be there for us. Isn't that what friends do for each other? Stick together through thick and thin, do what's best for the other, even if it's not the easiest option?
I've always wanted an ideal best friend, one who would fully understand me, love me and stay faithful no matter what I did, defend me even if the entire world was against me. Time and again I hoped to receive these things from people, only to be disappointed eventually. It took a long time for me to realize that it's unrealistic, and not right to expect so much. After all, we're only human. The most blissful discovery, however, is realizing that I DO have a Best Friend, a perfect, forever Friend. He'll never leave me or fail me. He'll always have my best interests at heart...and lucky for me, He's in control, not only of my circumstances, but of the entire world's. We, the church, are His body. He's the vine, we're the branches. Can you fathom this intimate connection? It's not just symbolism, or pretty words. HE LIVES THROUGH ME. Whatever I go through, He's right there with me. And He'll never let me suffer for no reason. Everything will work to accomplish His purposes. Yes, He can be unpredictable and mysterious, but man, is He good. And I wouldn't know just how good He is, if I didn't go through hard times with Him. We don't suffer on our own...we are truly sharing in His sufferings, as the Bible says.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Pain isn't pleasant, and I'm not strong. But I'll never give up, because I know my response to Jesus is the same as Peter's:
"From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.'" -John 6:66-8
PS- For those seeking extra encouragement, I'm currently reading Finding Your Way through Loneliness by...who else? Elisabeth Elliot. =)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
System Overhaul
I once had a friend whose hand went through a windshield during a car accident. Several years and repeated surgeries later, random shards of glass that were hidden deep within his muscle tissue would still surface. I was always strangely fascinated by this, and it has come to mind once again as a fitting representation of my spiritual walk.
Last night I read through a journal I had kept during my first "missions" trip to China back in 2004. It wasn't really missions, since we stayed at an orphanage run by a Christian couple who raised the children to be Christians. There was a lot more babysitting than evangelizing on that trip...but that's beside the point. After I finished reading, I became very afraid. The journal discussed issues that I was going through back then...and I still have the exact same issues now. This confirmed my growing suspicion during the past few months, that I haven't really changed. Yes, the past two years mark the most outward progress I had made in 10 years, but I keep slipping and falling in the exact same ways. This time around, I realized that the main problem isn't my lifestyle. As far back as 2004, or maybe my entire life, I've had the same problems, which simply kept manifesting themselves with different people and in different situations. But I, who I am, hasn't really changed. I've been undergoing the pruning process, but I never asked God to go all the way, into the core of who I am. Until now, I wasn't even aware that it was necessary.
Of course, I don't mean to discount all that I've been through up until now. If I hadn't taken those steps to change my lifestyle and get closer to God, I wouldn't have come to this point. I asked Him to prune the branches, without replacing the defective root. In the past, I have been too quick to jump to conclusions, to think that the lesson was learned after brief realizations. Once a branch was snipped, I said thank you to God, then jumped ahead on my own steam. Of course, this only lasts for so long, so eventually I'd feel burnt out, and become weak to my old self again. I don't think I've ever truly learned to shut off my own voice, and simply listen to God. I've become so good at persuading and deceiving myself, it's scary.
There's something wrong with my personality...how I can't accept people, flaws and all; the ways that I view and treat members of the opposite sex; how I despise people, and seek their approval at the same time... these are all things that I've struggled with since I was a child. So in the end, it's not alcohol, drugs, or promiscuity that are to blame. There's a sickness inside of me, that needs to be healed. And the only one who can do that, which I am sure of now, is Jesus.
The thing is, I don't want to play Christian, or even just "try hard" at it. Win or lose, I want to be genuine through it all. I'm seeking truth, the deepest nature of reality... and in this messed up, temporary world, the only one with the answers is God. But I need rewiring... the deepest parts of my being need to surface, be confronted, and healed by my perpetual Savior. It's so humbling to be utterly dependent on Him for all of this, not knowing what needs to be done, or what will come out, or how long it will take. I've spent too much of my life thinking I had things figured out. I now know that I am a child, I know nothing. At first, I felt crappy about it, but right now, it's strangely relieving. The Bible says that we may depend on Him, that He loves us unconditionally, so I'm going full-out, all bets on the truth of the Word.
I'm not sharing this today because I've already received the answers, but in case there are some out there like me, who need to seek intensive healing. I wonder how many of us have only gone as far as trying to fix our bad habits, only to relapse again and again. Or how many of us think we're doing better, because of new people or circumstances, but in actuality we're still the same. Maybe it's time to be rewired.
I think the actual process may be different depending on the individual, but I'm starting with David's cry to God:
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-4
I'd say wish me luck, but there's no such thing. Instead, please speak to God on my behalf...I'm going to need it.
Last night I read through a journal I had kept during my first "missions" trip to China back in 2004. It wasn't really missions, since we stayed at an orphanage run by a Christian couple who raised the children to be Christians. There was a lot more babysitting than evangelizing on that trip...but that's beside the point. After I finished reading, I became very afraid. The journal discussed issues that I was going through back then...and I still have the exact same issues now. This confirmed my growing suspicion during the past few months, that I haven't really changed. Yes, the past two years mark the most outward progress I had made in 10 years, but I keep slipping and falling in the exact same ways. This time around, I realized that the main problem isn't my lifestyle. As far back as 2004, or maybe my entire life, I've had the same problems, which simply kept manifesting themselves with different people and in different situations. But I, who I am, hasn't really changed. I've been undergoing the pruning process, but I never asked God to go all the way, into the core of who I am. Until now, I wasn't even aware that it was necessary.
Of course, I don't mean to discount all that I've been through up until now. If I hadn't taken those steps to change my lifestyle and get closer to God, I wouldn't have come to this point. I asked Him to prune the branches, without replacing the defective root. In the past, I have been too quick to jump to conclusions, to think that the lesson was learned after brief realizations. Once a branch was snipped, I said thank you to God, then jumped ahead on my own steam. Of course, this only lasts for so long, so eventually I'd feel burnt out, and become weak to my old self again. I don't think I've ever truly learned to shut off my own voice, and simply listen to God. I've become so good at persuading and deceiving myself, it's scary.
There's something wrong with my personality...how I can't accept people, flaws and all; the ways that I view and treat members of the opposite sex; how I despise people, and seek their approval at the same time... these are all things that I've struggled with since I was a child. So in the end, it's not alcohol, drugs, or promiscuity that are to blame. There's a sickness inside of me, that needs to be healed. And the only one who can do that, which I am sure of now, is Jesus.
The thing is, I don't want to play Christian, or even just "try hard" at it. Win or lose, I want to be genuine through it all. I'm seeking truth, the deepest nature of reality... and in this messed up, temporary world, the only one with the answers is God. But I need rewiring... the deepest parts of my being need to surface, be confronted, and healed by my perpetual Savior. It's so humbling to be utterly dependent on Him for all of this, not knowing what needs to be done, or what will come out, or how long it will take. I've spent too much of my life thinking I had things figured out. I now know that I am a child, I know nothing. At first, I felt crappy about it, but right now, it's strangely relieving. The Bible says that we may depend on Him, that He loves us unconditionally, so I'm going full-out, all bets on the truth of the Word.
I'm not sharing this today because I've already received the answers, but in case there are some out there like me, who need to seek intensive healing. I wonder how many of us have only gone as far as trying to fix our bad habits, only to relapse again and again. Or how many of us think we're doing better, because of new people or circumstances, but in actuality we're still the same. Maybe it's time to be rewired.
I think the actual process may be different depending on the individual, but I'm starting with David's cry to God:
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139:23-4
I'd say wish me luck, but there's no such thing. Instead, please speak to God on my behalf...I'm going to need it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
True Romance
Another day, another blog post...another step in the transformation process! :)
Actually, what I'm about to recount took place during the month of January. I will condense it as much as possible...
One day early in the new year, I was feeling somewhat lonely, and thinking about the benefits of having a companion, someone to share my life with. Afraid to make any more bad decisions without consulting God, I asked Him what would be the best thing to do. I didn't know if it was OK to take the initiative and seek someone, or if I should just sit and wait for God to intervene, or if just sitting around and waiting was being plain lazy. Confused and emotional, I left it to God, and went to sleep.
The next morning (literally), I received a message from an old friend saying that she and another friend had a surprise for me. A few days later, I found out that they had signed me up for eHarmony for one month.
Normally, I would have become furious, but since this "surprise" came so soon after my prayer, I took it as God's provision, and consented to try it out.
It was like giving me the key to my own little Pandora's box of insecurities. Others would see it as overreacting, and maybe I did, but I tend to over-think things and obsess over them so...
During the month that I tried online "dating", I realized a few things. One, I have an enormous bias against relationships, even marriage. This is because literally 95% of marriages and relationships that I know of are not happy, have had many trials, or ended very badly. I didn't have any real reasons to see marriage or dating as desirable...all of the crap that had to be endured seemed to cancel out the benefits. I didn't understand people who went through so much, with what seemed like such little gain. As such, I was extremely afraid of getting involved with anyone romantically, and I had built a fortress of defiance to safely guard my fear. As I felt pressured to put myself out there and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship, stress began hacking away at my defense mechanism. By the end of the month, the walls had come tumbling down, and I just about drowned in a flood of negativity (which surely involved the enemy). Old lies which used to taunt me resurfaced: you'll always be alone, who could love you for who you are? You don't deserve anyone that you think is great, at best you'll have to settle for someone you have no attraction to. It seemed more realistic to believe these lies instead of the truth that God loves me unconditionally and will always provide what's best for me. Thankfully, I shared my negative thoughts with a couple sisters, who helped (gently) pull me out of the dark side.
Having been brought to my senses, I then launched my own investigation to seek the truth. Up until now I had held an attitude of tightly wound fear and negativity toward romantic love...I now fully acknowledged that my old mentality was wrong, and it was time to figure out what the correct attitude was. I decided to start with another book by one of my most favorite Christian women, Elisabeth Elliot. In her book Let Me Be a Woman, she writes to her engaged daughter on the subject of what it means to be a woman in various stages of life, femininity vs. masculinity, etc. I won't go into a detailed discussion here, but one of the things that really hit me were just how much culture, and even in some cases the modern church, has twisted the definitions of man and woman to directly contradict or soft-pedal what the Bible teaches. God is not "sexist" or oppressive, it's modern ideas that attempt to mangle the truth, and deprive us of the joy in living out our God-ordained roles. Now, as a reformed "femi-Nazi" I thought that I was OK in my views of the sexes, but her biblically supported arguments revealed that I still harbored worldly perspectives on some issues. It was a great relief to learn definitions of man and woman that were solidly back by the Word, and didn't compromise with the world. Also, her presentation on marriage described benefits which finally rang true within my soul. I had already come to the conclusion that it wasn't about finding Mr. Perfect (as if he exists), and the purpose of marriage wasn't to make me happy, but I wasn't so sure what was so good about it. Well, having understood what it means to be a woman, I now wanted the chance to one day flesh out those roles as a wife and mother, to be a support to my husband, and live out the example of Christ's relationship with the Church through my marriage. I'd like to experience for myself God's calling for most of us.
With the aid of this book and a lot of prayer, I had more or less settled my perspective on marriage, and corrected it as good and desirable, as our Father of lights has ordained it. But my mission was not yet complete. I still had a shaky position on what comes before the wedding: meeting someone, dating, etc... Cue the next book by Elliot (no, I'm not joking).
A week after I finished Let Me Be a Woman, I bought Quest for Love, which contains true stories of men and women who met and married, relying entirely on God's guidance. In the great majority of cases, they did not date. At all. Shocking, isn't it? Some of the stories indeed seem like fairy tales, what with the "coincidences" that abound, but unlike man-made stories, these are true accounts of God's infinite wisdom and perfect timing. It filled me with a sense of wonder that fairy tales tend to elicit, but it was all the more delightful because these were real events that God brought about in order to unite a man and woman. As women we like to dwell on romantic fantasy, hence the insane popularity of K-dramas, Twilight, etc. But these are all empty, and unhealthy to attach ourselves to. Desiring to depend on God emotionally, and knowing my addictive tendencies, by this time my exposure to any books/TV/films in the romance genre was kept to a minimum. But as I started reading this book, my astonishment led me to dare to open myself up to that sense of wonder and opportunity again. Because this time, it was not a fantasy. This was our God, creator of the universe, caring about individuals enough to involve himself in the details of their love lives. God is also the God of romance, in the real sense. I was blown away by His deep involvement in small events.
So my hope in true love rests in the Lord. I am confident He cares enough to take care of this part of my life. I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs, however.
There are a few things that the people in this book had in common, and you and I would do well to learn from them. First, they submitted their hearts to the Lord. Whether it was loneliness, desire for marriage, unrequited love, or impulsive passions, they gave them up and laid them all at His feet. Second, they continued to do what they had to do each day. Regardless of how they felt, they remained in the present and did what God asked of them. Third, they waited upon the Lord. They chose to trust Him, and remained alert for His voice and direction.
Now, of course none of this is easy. But anything that's worth gaining is not easily attained, and there's no true happiness without holiness. So, regardless of how I feel, I'm going to wait on God...even if it means that marriage isn't in the picture. Eharmony was an interesting experience, but I refuse to grasp at whatever God has not put within my reach. And dating more wrong people is not going get me anywhere closer to the right one. The world has such a twisted, crap-tastic view on love...the enemy's been working on it for a long time, no doubt. I will no longer settle for a poor substitute...I choose real Love.
Actually, what I'm about to recount took place during the month of January. I will condense it as much as possible...
One day early in the new year, I was feeling somewhat lonely, and thinking about the benefits of having a companion, someone to share my life with. Afraid to make any more bad decisions without consulting God, I asked Him what would be the best thing to do. I didn't know if it was OK to take the initiative and seek someone, or if I should just sit and wait for God to intervene, or if just sitting around and waiting was being plain lazy. Confused and emotional, I left it to God, and went to sleep.
The next morning (literally), I received a message from an old friend saying that she and another friend had a surprise for me. A few days later, I found out that they had signed me up for eHarmony for one month.
Normally, I would have become furious, but since this "surprise" came so soon after my prayer, I took it as God's provision, and consented to try it out.
It was like giving me the key to my own little Pandora's box of insecurities. Others would see it as overreacting, and maybe I did, but I tend to over-think things and obsess over them so...
During the month that I tried online "dating", I realized a few things. One, I have an enormous bias against relationships, even marriage. This is because literally 95% of marriages and relationships that I know of are not happy, have had many trials, or ended very badly. I didn't have any real reasons to see marriage or dating as desirable...all of the crap that had to be endured seemed to cancel out the benefits. I didn't understand people who went through so much, with what seemed like such little gain. As such, I was extremely afraid of getting involved with anyone romantically, and I had built a fortress of defiance to safely guard my fear. As I felt pressured to put myself out there and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship, stress began hacking away at my defense mechanism. By the end of the month, the walls had come tumbling down, and I just about drowned in a flood of negativity (which surely involved the enemy). Old lies which used to taunt me resurfaced: you'll always be alone, who could love you for who you are? You don't deserve anyone that you think is great, at best you'll have to settle for someone you have no attraction to. It seemed more realistic to believe these lies instead of the truth that God loves me unconditionally and will always provide what's best for me. Thankfully, I shared my negative thoughts with a couple sisters, who helped (gently) pull me out of the dark side.
Having been brought to my senses, I then launched my own investigation to seek the truth. Up until now I had held an attitude of tightly wound fear and negativity toward romantic love...I now fully acknowledged that my old mentality was wrong, and it was time to figure out what the correct attitude was. I decided to start with another book by one of my most favorite Christian women, Elisabeth Elliot. In her book Let Me Be a Woman, she writes to her engaged daughter on the subject of what it means to be a woman in various stages of life, femininity vs. masculinity, etc. I won't go into a detailed discussion here, but one of the things that really hit me were just how much culture, and even in some cases the modern church, has twisted the definitions of man and woman to directly contradict or soft-pedal what the Bible teaches. God is not "sexist" or oppressive, it's modern ideas that attempt to mangle the truth, and deprive us of the joy in living out our God-ordained roles. Now, as a reformed "femi-Nazi" I thought that I was OK in my views of the sexes, but her biblically supported arguments revealed that I still harbored worldly perspectives on some issues. It was a great relief to learn definitions of man and woman that were solidly back by the Word, and didn't compromise with the world. Also, her presentation on marriage described benefits which finally rang true within my soul. I had already come to the conclusion that it wasn't about finding Mr. Perfect (as if he exists), and the purpose of marriage wasn't to make me happy, but I wasn't so sure what was so good about it. Well, having understood what it means to be a woman, I now wanted the chance to one day flesh out those roles as a wife and mother, to be a support to my husband, and live out the example of Christ's relationship with the Church through my marriage. I'd like to experience for myself God's calling for most of us.
With the aid of this book and a lot of prayer, I had more or less settled my perspective on marriage, and corrected it as good and desirable, as our Father of lights has ordained it. But my mission was not yet complete. I still had a shaky position on what comes before the wedding: meeting someone, dating, etc... Cue the next book by Elliot (no, I'm not joking).
A week after I finished Let Me Be a Woman, I bought Quest for Love, which contains true stories of men and women who met and married, relying entirely on God's guidance. In the great majority of cases, they did not date. At all. Shocking, isn't it? Some of the stories indeed seem like fairy tales, what with the "coincidences" that abound, but unlike man-made stories, these are true accounts of God's infinite wisdom and perfect timing. It filled me with a sense of wonder that fairy tales tend to elicit, but it was all the more delightful because these were real events that God brought about in order to unite a man and woman. As women we like to dwell on romantic fantasy, hence the insane popularity of K-dramas, Twilight, etc. But these are all empty, and unhealthy to attach ourselves to. Desiring to depend on God emotionally, and knowing my addictive tendencies, by this time my exposure to any books/TV/films in the romance genre was kept to a minimum. But as I started reading this book, my astonishment led me to dare to open myself up to that sense of wonder and opportunity again. Because this time, it was not a fantasy. This was our God, creator of the universe, caring about individuals enough to involve himself in the details of their love lives. God is also the God of romance, in the real sense. I was blown away by His deep involvement in small events.
So my hope in true love rests in the Lord. I am confident He cares enough to take care of this part of my life. I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs, however.
There are a few things that the people in this book had in common, and you and I would do well to learn from them. First, they submitted their hearts to the Lord. Whether it was loneliness, desire for marriage, unrequited love, or impulsive passions, they gave them up and laid them all at His feet. Second, they continued to do what they had to do each day. Regardless of how they felt, they remained in the present and did what God asked of them. Third, they waited upon the Lord. They chose to trust Him, and remained alert for His voice and direction.
Now, of course none of this is easy. But anything that's worth gaining is not easily attained, and there's no true happiness without holiness. So, regardless of how I feel, I'm going to wait on God...even if it means that marriage isn't in the picture. Eharmony was an interesting experience, but I refuse to grasp at whatever God has not put within my reach. And dating more wrong people is not going get me anywhere closer to the right one. The world has such a twisted, crap-tastic view on love...the enemy's been working on it for a long time, no doubt. I will no longer settle for a poor substitute...I choose real Love.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Balancing Act
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10
As much as I know I can't do life on my own, as much as I don't want to do life on my own anymore, I still end up doing it!!
Sure, I've made a little progress..."on my own" no longer means partying and other bs every week, but even with the improvements in my lifestyle, it is still too easy to stray.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" -1 Cor. 10:12
The thing is, for a while I had no idea that I was stumbling. Nothing was going wrong in my life...my concern grew, however, when I became increasingly moody and irritated. I started to lose motivation, my focus was blurry, and I was getting sick and tired. Recently I've been staring inwardly a lot, and I'm very disappointed with what I see. My anger, how judgmental I am, how I can't just be consistently gentle or generous or kind...I've thought that maybe I'm not fit to lead a ministry. I feel so stupid after I try to give advice to people...who do I think I am? I don't know jack...I fall way too often to be an example to anyone.
Self-hating pity party? Maybe. Emo? Definitely.
Thank God for his word.
After discussing some of my frustration with my pastor's wife recently, she advised that it was probably because I have been idle, ministry-wise. I went from book clubs and weekly small groups to...not very much in the past 2 months, besides delivering the Christmas sermon. I thought that taking a break would be good, since I was afraid of burning out from doing too much, but it turns out that it made me spiritually lazy. I had become used to continually pouring myself out for others, and the significant decrease in such activity didn't restore me, but led me to become more selfish and self-preserving instead.
God shed more light on my predicament last night at our weekly leader's meeting. Our pastor prayed that we would keep our relationship with God as #1, that simply doing things wouldn't take the place of being in love with our Creator. That's when I realized that I had my priorities mixed up. A little over a month ago, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I felt a sense of urgency to do more in terms of serving others. I started to research ways I could devote more of my time to help the poor and oppressed, and think about how to motivate others to do the same. These are not bad things to think about at all, but I in my lack of ability to balance, started to put too much weight on deeds, and my faith began to shrink. I forgot that I am saved by grace, and that I am loved unconditionally for who I am, not what I do. I was dwelling too much on the evil and oppression in this world, so that I doubted God's power and purpose. I felt guilty and frustrated that I had so much while others starved...it led me to examine myself more closely, so that I started becoming very critical of myself and others, and my old self resurfaced in more ways than one. I became concerned with impressing God, and when I repeatedly failed, I got angry and lost motivation to do good. My attempts at good deeds were on my own steam...they weren't flowing out of my love relationship with Christ. I had become convinced that my growth depended on "trying harder". I saw my shortcomings and lack of action as pitiful excuses...I became merciless, losing sight of the fact that we are all dependent on God's mercy.
A slippery slope...I didn't fall from deliberately sinning, but from trying to do good!
But I was sinning anyway, because I put my own efforts and accomplishments over loving God. I fell short of the first and greatest commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." -Matt. 22:37
Along with that, how about forgetting the very essence of salvation:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Eph. 2:8-9
Here's the truth: I can't earn God's love, or make him love me more by doing things. He loves us not because we're so great, but because He IS love. Thinking that it was all up to me was pure arrogance. Of course I'm not that great, of course I'm messed up-- it's not about me, it's about Him. He's the one who loves, who enables me to love and do good. His beauty shines when bringing forth light from what was once darkness.
So it's back to the basics for me! Truth is freedom. I can't say I've fully recovered yet, but once again, that's up to God, not me, thankfully.
I hope to one day gain the state of mind of the writer of Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."
God's love and peace be with us.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10
As much as I know I can't do life on my own, as much as I don't want to do life on my own anymore, I still end up doing it!!
Sure, I've made a little progress..."on my own" no longer means partying and other bs every week, but even with the improvements in my lifestyle, it is still too easy to stray.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" -1 Cor. 10:12
The thing is, for a while I had no idea that I was stumbling. Nothing was going wrong in my life...my concern grew, however, when I became increasingly moody and irritated. I started to lose motivation, my focus was blurry, and I was getting sick and tired. Recently I've been staring inwardly a lot, and I'm very disappointed with what I see. My anger, how judgmental I am, how I can't just be consistently gentle or generous or kind...I've thought that maybe I'm not fit to lead a ministry. I feel so stupid after I try to give advice to people...who do I think I am? I don't know jack...I fall way too often to be an example to anyone.
Self-hating pity party? Maybe. Emo? Definitely.
Thank God for his word.
After discussing some of my frustration with my pastor's wife recently, she advised that it was probably because I have been idle, ministry-wise. I went from book clubs and weekly small groups to...not very much in the past 2 months, besides delivering the Christmas sermon. I thought that taking a break would be good, since I was afraid of burning out from doing too much, but it turns out that it made me spiritually lazy. I had become used to continually pouring myself out for others, and the significant decrease in such activity didn't restore me, but led me to become more selfish and self-preserving instead.
God shed more light on my predicament last night at our weekly leader's meeting. Our pastor prayed that we would keep our relationship with God as #1, that simply doing things wouldn't take the place of being in love with our Creator. That's when I realized that I had my priorities mixed up. A little over a month ago, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I felt a sense of urgency to do more in terms of serving others. I started to research ways I could devote more of my time to help the poor and oppressed, and think about how to motivate others to do the same. These are not bad things to think about at all, but I in my lack of ability to balance, started to put too much weight on deeds, and my faith began to shrink. I forgot that I am saved by grace, and that I am loved unconditionally for who I am, not what I do. I was dwelling too much on the evil and oppression in this world, so that I doubted God's power and purpose. I felt guilty and frustrated that I had so much while others starved...it led me to examine myself more closely, so that I started becoming very critical of myself and others, and my old self resurfaced in more ways than one. I became concerned with impressing God, and when I repeatedly failed, I got angry and lost motivation to do good. My attempts at good deeds were on my own steam...they weren't flowing out of my love relationship with Christ. I had become convinced that my growth depended on "trying harder". I saw my shortcomings and lack of action as pitiful excuses...I became merciless, losing sight of the fact that we are all dependent on God's mercy.
A slippery slope...I didn't fall from deliberately sinning, but from trying to do good!
But I was sinning anyway, because I put my own efforts and accomplishments over loving God. I fell short of the first and greatest commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." -Matt. 22:37
Along with that, how about forgetting the very essence of salvation:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Eph. 2:8-9
Here's the truth: I can't earn God's love, or make him love me more by doing things. He loves us not because we're so great, but because He IS love. Thinking that it was all up to me was pure arrogance. Of course I'm not that great, of course I'm messed up-- it's not about me, it's about Him. He's the one who loves, who enables me to love and do good. His beauty shines when bringing forth light from what was once darkness.
So it's back to the basics for me! Truth is freedom. I can't say I've fully recovered yet, but once again, that's up to God, not me, thankfully.
I hope to one day gain the state of mind of the writer of Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."
God's love and peace be with us.
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