Leap of Faith

This past Sunday I attended Thanksgiving Church with one of my close friends, who is looking for a home church. I had been there a few times already, but I had never heard the regular pastor speak. What a great sermon, the Word shot me straight me through the heart that day. Basically, he discussed Abraham's life as recorded in Genesis, and how he lived by faith. God began his relationship with Abe through a promise. And the fact is that when Abraham believed God, it was credited to him as righteousness. There was a whole lot of waiting and trusting involved. By the time Abraham died, he didn't see his descendants become as numerous as the stars in the sky. That process took a long time, as did the promise that all nations would be blessed through him. One of the pastor's points that hit home was that these days, we focus too much on the rules of God, and not on the relationship. And building that relationship involves believing in God's promises, and trusting Him. However, that does not mean that we will see that promise come to fruition in our lifetime. He has a plan for us, but that does not mean that results will become evident in a few days, weeks, or even decades. It really requires us to relinquish our compulsion to control what's happening in our lives. It's supposed to go something like this, right (especially if you're Korean): get good grades in high school, go to a good college, graduate and get a good job, then get married (before the age of 30), have children son afterwards, and eventually retire. Although I refused to pressure myself into the Ivy League track, or stick with a major just so I could graduate "on time", I am well aware of the social expectations that I'm supposed to live up to. Sadly, I am often a little ashamed of my point in life right now (DUI, post-grad still working for my parents, still not sure about my career choice), but I persist on seeing this time as valuable. Why? Well, because I have a lot of free time, first of all, and I could really use this time to work on building a relationship with God. In the past, I tended to become legalistic and self-righteous. I like studying, learning is something I'm good at, and I think I focused to much on studying God, without getting to know Him too well on a personal level. I was (and still am, though to a lesser degree) extremely wary of becoming overly emotional when it comes to my faith. I detested the "blind faith" Christians, who screamed God at people, but had no knowledge about what they believed in, and could not defend their faith to non-believers. So now, having learned a little bit from my mistakes, I'm working on getting closer to my Father, Savior, Shepherd, King, Creator, Master, the one who loves me and defends me when the accuser attacks me. I had never really understood this part, that I need to put in effort in similar ways to how I become closer to a person. It requires spending time, dialogue, and building trust. Faith is something I need to work on, badly. I've had a hard time trusting God, and now I know why. The focus is on love, not rules. I want to behave as God's child, because he loves me so much. I know this is a weak parallel, but in order to relate to the concept better, I thought about royalty. A princess is expected to behave in certain ways because of her status, right? And it's awesome because I'm not part of some man-made "royal" bloodline, bound to some corrupt country and married off as a political pawn. I have a place in an eternal kingdom that has a perfect ruler, one who will never be defeated or intimidated. My dad, the king, loves me more than anyone else is capable of, and I can put my life in His hands without fear. I wonder if it's OK to consider myself as God's little princess...

Turning a New Leaf...

So, it has been about 2 weeks since my proclamation that I would keep my drinking under control. So far, I have been drunk once. I'm not too disappointed with my progress, but it has reminded me of how easy it is to slip back into an old habit. And this particular habit has been almost 12 years in the making. A bit scary, isn't it? One positive thing that has come out of this, though, is the realization that the urge to "party" has been virtually eliminated. Am I just too tired, getting too old, or waking up to the obligations of adulthood? Or maybe it's a combination of reasons? Whatever it is, I'm glad that it has happened. It has been a while since I felt the need to go somewhere happenin', or meet new people, but lately I am also feeling less of an urge to binge drink. I don't even have to try to keep it under control, it's just how I feel. I have zero drama in my life these days, and with my dad gone, I'm so peaceful it's making me delirious. Lately, I've felt high on life, which I probably haven't felt since I was a little kid. However, it hasn't stopped me from becoming moody or bad-tempered, and my slightly unpredictable temperament has been magnified that much by my newly peaceful environment. Just like binge drinking, anger is an old habit which I have yet to kick.

That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.