He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10
As much as I know I can't do life on my own, as much as I don't want to do life on my own anymore, I still end up doing it!!
Sure, I've made a little progress..."on my own" no longer means partying and other bs every week, but even with the improvements in my lifestyle, it is still too easy to stray.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" -1 Cor. 10:12
The thing is, for a while I had no idea that I was stumbling. Nothing was going wrong in my life...my concern grew, however, when I became increasingly moody and irritated. I started to lose motivation, my focus was blurry, and I was getting sick and tired. Recently I've been staring inwardly a lot, and I'm very disappointed with what I see. My anger, how judgmental I am, how I can't just be consistently gentle or generous or kind...I've thought that maybe I'm not fit to lead a ministry. I feel so stupid after I try to give advice to people...who do I think I am? I don't know jack...I fall way too often to be an example to anyone.
Self-hating pity party? Maybe. Emo? Definitely.
Thank God for his word.
After discussing some of my frustration with my pastor's wife recently, she advised that it was probably because I have been idle, ministry-wise. I went from book clubs and weekly small groups to...not very much in the past 2 months, besides delivering the Christmas sermon. I thought that taking a break would be good, since I was afraid of burning out from doing too much, but it turns out that it made me spiritually lazy. I had become used to continually pouring myself out for others, and the significant decrease in such activity didn't restore me, but led me to become more selfish and self-preserving instead.
God shed more light on my predicament last night at our weekly leader's meeting. Our pastor prayed that we would keep our relationship with God as #1, that simply doing things wouldn't take the place of being in love with our Creator. That's when I realized that I had my priorities mixed up. A little over a month ago, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I felt a sense of urgency to do more in terms of serving others. I started to research ways I could devote more of my time to help the poor and oppressed, and think about how to motivate others to do the same. These are not bad things to think about at all, but I in my lack of ability to balance, started to put too much weight on deeds, and my faith began to shrink. I forgot that I am saved by grace, and that I am loved unconditionally for who I am, not what I do. I was dwelling too much on the evil and oppression in this world, so that I doubted God's power and purpose. I felt guilty and frustrated that I had so much while others starved...it led me to examine myself more closely, so that I started becoming very critical of myself and others, and my old self resurfaced in more ways than one. I became concerned with impressing God, and when I repeatedly failed, I got angry and lost motivation to do good. My attempts at good deeds were on my own steam...they weren't flowing out of my love relationship with Christ. I had become convinced that my growth depended on "trying harder". I saw my shortcomings and lack of action as pitiful excuses...I became merciless, losing sight of the fact that we are all dependent on God's mercy.
A slippery slope...I didn't fall from deliberately sinning, but from trying to do good!
But I was sinning anyway, because I put my own efforts and accomplishments over loving God. I fell short of the first and greatest commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." -Matt. 22:37
Along with that, how about forgetting the very essence of salvation:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Eph. 2:8-9
Here's the truth: I can't earn God's love, or make him love me more by doing things. He loves us not because we're so great, but because He IS love. Thinking that it was all up to me was pure arrogance. Of course I'm not that great, of course I'm messed up-- it's not about me, it's about Him. He's the one who loves, who enables me to love and do good. His beauty shines when bringing forth light from what was once darkness.
So it's back to the basics for me! Truth is freedom. I can't say I've fully recovered yet, but once again, that's up to God, not me, thankfully.
I hope to one day gain the state of mind of the writer of Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."
God's love and peace be with us.
