"Submit yourselves, then, to God." -James 4:7
The past 12 months have been, without a doubt, one of the most interesting years of my life. If I had known that following God would be this fulfilling, I would have started a long time ago! I think I was planning to share the lessons I've learned as the year went by, but right now I feel convicted to share what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
Since I have dropped my major vices, there is much clearer communication between me and God, and He has been pruning and shaping me in different ways. It turns out I have a lot more issues than I thought I did, now that the obstructing cloud called binge drinking has been lifted. And a big one in particular, which came up slightly a couple times before, but has now hit hard, is the one of my unruly heart.
Because of my many flings and "relationships" that I've had, I thought that I knew it all. However, it turns out that this is the area in which I am the MOST immature, and inexperienced. Multiple fails does not produce any wins! Sure, I can handle a relationship and almost any guy by the world's standards, but as a Christian...I'm lost.
Mainly through a couple episodes of misplaced interest, God has shown me that my heart is extremely childish. It has no regard for reason or logic, it's selfish (and rather greedy and possessive), and it simply wants what it wants. It's grasping and impulsive.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 7:19
Basically, the analysis of my heart's attitude in regards to romantic love revealed that it was the opposite of the definition of love provided in 1 Corinthians. So, although I started off hoping to rationalize or justify my affections, a part of me knew that it was wrong.
The issue here wasn't whether or not someone was right for me, or how I should go about pursuing him. The problem is that up until now, I have always considered my affections my own, to place them onto whomever I will. If I was interested in someone, I had the right to like them, to think about them obsessively, to pursue them, to take it as far as I wanted it to go, and then end it whenever I wanted it to end. And sure, I always have a choice. I could continue to go about it the same way a lot of people do. But as time passes, my drive to run the race God has marked out for me gets stronger and stronger. I want to go as far as He wants to take me, no more compromising, no more half-assedness. I'm starting to embrace the discomfort and pain that I sometimes go through, because I know He is using it to grow me and make me stronger. If it gets me to where He wants me to be, then I will go through it. Whatever it takes.
Of course, I'm never gung-ho about it in the beginning. I doubt myself, try to make excuses, stall, whine and complain, until the truth is undeniable in my head. Then I wrestle with letting go of my own desires, until my heart comes to terms with His will. Right now, I'm still a little bit sad, but I am joyful. Peace is in my heart...there is freedom in letting go. My spirit sings happily, because I know that my Daddy is pleased.
This is the truth: if I call myself a Christian, I must follow God. Following Him means that I will give Him everything He asks for. After all, He has given me everything...does it make any sense for me to hold back what little I have? It's not really mine to begin with, anyway. Giving Him my heart, to place it utterly under His control- I hope it is a good sacrifice, a pleasant aroma to the One I love more than anyone else in existence.
All of the growth and change in me has been made possible by His mighty love. The closer our relationship becomes, I am increasingly amazed by how deep and profound His love is. I could never wrap my mind around it, it's too much. So, knowing this, I choose to trust Him, although I may be journeying through the wilderness, with no possible solutions that I can see. Who knows, He might introduce me to someone within a year, have me wait 5 years, or even call me to stay single. As of now, I have no clue what He has planned. But I will wait, and follow Him, because no matter how dire the situation may seem, I'd rather go through it with God, than live any other kind of life without Him. And from past experience, I am sure that whatever He has for me is much better than anything I could accomplish on my own.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price" -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
My heart is no longer my own to do with what I will; neither is my mind, body, or soul. It sure was a struggle giving it up, and I'm sure this won't be the last testing, but I already feel a calming sense of relief. It truly is a "sweet surrender".
Note: If you'd like an in-depth look at someone who has brought her heart under Christ's control, check out Purity and Passion by Elisabeth Elliot, a truly gangsta Christian lady, and a wonderful role model.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Afraid of the Light?
So, it's been a little over a year since I made my first serious effort to stop drinking. I remember the first time was on July 14th of last year, since it was the day after I went to an Incubus concert. That time, I lasted a month and a half before I messed up royally. There have been a lot of stops and starts since then, full of tears of joy and misery, moments of insecurity and triumph, and extremely awkward phases. I could write several pages on it, but I am definitely not going to right now. I'd just like to share a few insights on the past year (to be continued in the next however many posts are necessary), especially for those who are considering walking into the light, but haven't experienced it before. Not that I am an expert by any means, but I have definitely learned a lot in this short amount of time. So, in light of this week's sermon, today's post will be on fear.
You are probably afraid. Understand that this fear is irrational, and not from God.
For a long time, I was deathly afraid of what I would become if I let go of my lifestyle and followed God. In the past, I had bad experiences with "good" girls-nice, innocent-looking girls who turned out to be quite cold-hearted and mean. I also despised them because I considered myself to be the polar opposite: "bad" on the outside, "good" on the inside, and I hated being treated differently by boys because of this. I also had a bias against churchy Korean girls, many of whom did not seem to care about or know how to take care of their appearances. So, in conclusion, I thought that if I changed for the better as a Christian, I would become a slovenly, unkempt, nice-seeming viper in sheep's clothing. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but a year ago, it was a quite valid fear of mine. I leaned on it as one of my excuses not to change. I was also afraid that giving up drinking meant that I would be home alone every weekend, and people would no longer call me or want to hang out with me. And I was scared of how hard it was going to be to stop. I could not imagine my life without socializing over drinks. What would later reveal itself to be just the tip of the iceberg, was actually a huge mountain in the beginning.
So what I have to say is this: don't be afraid! I see now that I was scared only because the darkness was what I knew well, what I was used to. I was a big fish in my own little pond. I think of the movie Count of Monte Cristo, in which the main character sleeps on the floor in his opulent mansion, because he had gotten so used to sleeping on the cold, hard ground while he was in prison. Old habits aren't easy to break, and we've been practicing the same old routines for many years. And since we are so used to what is bad for us, it will naturally take some time to get used to liking what is good. But, you will never know how much you'll like it, unless you give it a good amount of time, and a real effort. The first time I quit, I felt very deprived. It was so awkward, that I stayed away from any establishment that served alcohol for over a month, and didn't show up to anything that I was invited to. When I look back on the time I failed, I realize that my mentality had been too shaky. I gave myself plenty of room for failure, because part of me was still enticed by my old ways. Thirty minutes after I sat down at the club, I freaked out, thinking, what the hell am I going to do here for the next three hours? It was probably too soon for me to give up cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, and it was way too soon for me to enter a nightclub. Perhaps I had been a little too confident- I obviously had not lived my new life long enough, and I wasn't used to it.
In the months that followed, I went through periods of trying to either quit, or control the drinking (hit-and-miss). I basically ran through my list of excuses and faulty reasoning over and over. However, during that time I also worked on my relationship with God, I served others, and spent time with other growing Christians. Over time, God steadily pruned and molded me, as He continues to do today. And I don't know exactly when it happened, but my irrational fears went away. I am no longer scared of who I am becoming- in fact, I am eager and excited for it!! I can't wait to be a woman of noble character, one who is kind, pure, gentle, and shines with the inner beauty of my Lord. I want to be a beacon of light, the "aroma of Christ"- I want people to see Him when they see me. As I keep walking with God, my hunger for the truth, and all that is good grows more and more. It doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes or wrestle with certain issues multiple times, but it certainly means that I NEVER GIVE UP. I'll chase after God until I die. It's a very good thing that He's always with me, because there's no way that I'd be able to keep up with Him on my own.
In those beginning stages last year, I remember that despite my fears, I made the effort to change, because I had another fear, that I would be 45 and still stuck in my ways. And by this point in my life, after I'd tried pretty much everything, I knew that there was no other way for me to go. "My ways" had no real success, permanence, purpose, or stability. Nothing kept me filled, and I knew that it was because I was choosing not to fill myself with the Spirit. I had hesitated, rebelled, and numbed myself for over a decade. And if you are in the same situation that I was, please know that everything I wrote is absolutely true, and I pray that it encourages you to take the first steps into the light. God will be with you, if you ask Him. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how freakin' great it is over here! Give it a real, honest try.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16
You are probably afraid. Understand that this fear is irrational, and not from God.
For a long time, I was deathly afraid of what I would become if I let go of my lifestyle and followed God. In the past, I had bad experiences with "good" girls-nice, innocent-looking girls who turned out to be quite cold-hearted and mean. I also despised them because I considered myself to be the polar opposite: "bad" on the outside, "good" on the inside, and I hated being treated differently by boys because of this. I also had a bias against churchy Korean girls, many of whom did not seem to care about or know how to take care of their appearances. So, in conclusion, I thought that if I changed for the better as a Christian, I would become a slovenly, unkempt, nice-seeming viper in sheep's clothing. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but a year ago, it was a quite valid fear of mine. I leaned on it as one of my excuses not to change. I was also afraid that giving up drinking meant that I would be home alone every weekend, and people would no longer call me or want to hang out with me. And I was scared of how hard it was going to be to stop. I could not imagine my life without socializing over drinks. What would later reveal itself to be just the tip of the iceberg, was actually a huge mountain in the beginning.
So what I have to say is this: don't be afraid! I see now that I was scared only because the darkness was what I knew well, what I was used to. I was a big fish in my own little pond. I think of the movie Count of Monte Cristo, in which the main character sleeps on the floor in his opulent mansion, because he had gotten so used to sleeping on the cold, hard ground while he was in prison. Old habits aren't easy to break, and we've been practicing the same old routines for many years. And since we are so used to what is bad for us, it will naturally take some time to get used to liking what is good. But, you will never know how much you'll like it, unless you give it a good amount of time, and a real effort. The first time I quit, I felt very deprived. It was so awkward, that I stayed away from any establishment that served alcohol for over a month, and didn't show up to anything that I was invited to. When I look back on the time I failed, I realize that my mentality had been too shaky. I gave myself plenty of room for failure, because part of me was still enticed by my old ways. Thirty minutes after I sat down at the club, I freaked out, thinking, what the hell am I going to do here for the next three hours? It was probably too soon for me to give up cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, and it was way too soon for me to enter a nightclub. Perhaps I had been a little too confident- I obviously had not lived my new life long enough, and I wasn't used to it.
In the months that followed, I went through periods of trying to either quit, or control the drinking (hit-and-miss). I basically ran through my list of excuses and faulty reasoning over and over. However, during that time I also worked on my relationship with God, I served others, and spent time with other growing Christians. Over time, God steadily pruned and molded me, as He continues to do today. And I don't know exactly when it happened, but my irrational fears went away. I am no longer scared of who I am becoming- in fact, I am eager and excited for it!! I can't wait to be a woman of noble character, one who is kind, pure, gentle, and shines with the inner beauty of my Lord. I want to be a beacon of light, the "aroma of Christ"- I want people to see Him when they see me. As I keep walking with God, my hunger for the truth, and all that is good grows more and more. It doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes or wrestle with certain issues multiple times, but it certainly means that I NEVER GIVE UP. I'll chase after God until I die. It's a very good thing that He's always with me, because there's no way that I'd be able to keep up with Him on my own.
In those beginning stages last year, I remember that despite my fears, I made the effort to change, because I had another fear, that I would be 45 and still stuck in my ways. And by this point in my life, after I'd tried pretty much everything, I knew that there was no other way for me to go. "My ways" had no real success, permanence, purpose, or stability. Nothing kept me filled, and I knew that it was because I was choosing not to fill myself with the Spirit. I had hesitated, rebelled, and numbed myself for over a decade. And if you are in the same situation that I was, please know that everything I wrote is absolutely true, and I pray that it encourages you to take the first steps into the light. God will be with you, if you ask Him. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how freakin' great it is over here! Give it a real, honest try.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16
Friday, October 1, 2010
Obedience is Bliss
This morning I peeled a couple of peaches for my parents, and when my dad said "thank you", it actually felt good to hear it. All of a sudden, I remembered how good it used to feel every time my parents were pleased that I obeyed them. When I was a child, I craved their love and approval.
It made me wonder...when did I stop liking obeying my parents? As a teenager, I guess you could attribute it to puberty and whatnot, but my rebelliousness lasted much longer than that.
I was shocked to realize just last year that even through all of the anger and bitterness towards my father, I actually still deeply cared about what he thought of me. I think that was part of what fueled my anger, mixed in with other issues. No wonder God tells us to "Flee the evil desires of youth" -2 Timothy 2:22.
As I am thinking these days about what it means to be an adult, and getting my priorities straight, I am becoming serious about being a good daughter to my parents. And I don't want to just tolerate them; I want to be loving and generous towards them. And in part, that means obeying them with the same joyful willingness that I had when I was a kid.
Of course, now I know better than to depend on their approval for my own happiness and security- that dependence I now place in Christ. I realize that for many years, I projected my resistance to authority onto God also, and it held me back for a long time. Now, I don't want to obey Him grudgingly, or simply out of obligation. I want to bask in the freedom that comes from obeying Him, and to obey with a joyful, willing heart. And I want that to be reflected in how I treat my family, my friends, even strangers I come into contact with in passing.
I never thought my childhood memories would become useful, but remembering how I used to eagerly obey my parents has definitely shed some light on how to live joyfully. Thank you, God.
It made me wonder...when did I stop liking obeying my parents? As a teenager, I guess you could attribute it to puberty and whatnot, but my rebelliousness lasted much longer than that.
I was shocked to realize just last year that even through all of the anger and bitterness towards my father, I actually still deeply cared about what he thought of me. I think that was part of what fueled my anger, mixed in with other issues. No wonder God tells us to "Flee the evil desires of youth" -2 Timothy 2:22.
As I am thinking these days about what it means to be an adult, and getting my priorities straight, I am becoming serious about being a good daughter to my parents. And I don't want to just tolerate them; I want to be loving and generous towards them. And in part, that means obeying them with the same joyful willingness that I had when I was a kid.
Of course, now I know better than to depend on their approval for my own happiness and security- that dependence I now place in Christ. I realize that for many years, I projected my resistance to authority onto God also, and it held me back for a long time. Now, I don't want to obey Him grudgingly, or simply out of obligation. I want to bask in the freedom that comes from obeying Him, and to obey with a joyful, willing heart. And I want that to be reflected in how I treat my family, my friends, even strangers I come into contact with in passing.
I never thought my childhood memories would become useful, but remembering how I used to eagerly obey my parents has definitely shed some light on how to live joyfully. Thank you, God.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Leap of Faith
This past Sunday I attended Thanksgiving Church with one of my close friends, who is looking for a home church. I had been there a few times already, but I had never heard the regular pastor speak. What a great sermon, the Word shot me straight me through the heart that day. Basically, he discussed Abraham's life as recorded in Genesis, and how he lived by faith. God began his relationship with Abe through a promise. And the fact is that when Abraham believed God, it was credited to him as righteousness. There was a whole lot of waiting and trusting involved. By the time Abraham died, he didn't see his descendants become as numerous as the stars in the sky. That process took a long time, as did the promise that all nations would be blessed through him. One of the pastor's points that hit home was that these days, we focus too much on the rules of God, and not on the relationship. And building that relationship involves believing in God's promises, and trusting Him. However, that does not mean that we will see that promise come to fruition in our lifetime. He has a plan for us, but that does not mean that results will become evident in a few days, weeks, or even decades. It really requires us to relinquish our compulsion to control what's happening in our lives. It's supposed to go something like this, right (especially if you're Korean): get good grades in high school, go to a good college, graduate and get a good job, then get married (before the age of 30), have children son afterwards, and eventually retire. Although I refused to pressure myself into the Ivy League track, or stick with a major just so I could graduate "on time", I am well aware of the social expectations that I'm supposed to live up to. Sadly, I am often a little ashamed of my point in life right now (DUI, post-grad still working for my parents, still not sure about my career choice), but I persist on seeing this time as valuable. Why? Well, because I have a lot of free time, first of all, and I could really use this time to work on building a relationship with God. In the past, I tended to become legalistic and self-righteous. I like studying, learning is something I'm good at, and I think I focused to much on studying God, without getting to know Him too well on a personal level. I was (and still am, though to a lesser degree) extremely wary of becoming overly emotional when it comes to my faith. I detested the "blind faith" Christians, who screamed God at people, but had no knowledge about what they believed in, and could not defend their faith to non-believers. So now, having learned a little bit from my mistakes, I'm working on getting closer to my Father, Savior, Shepherd, King, Creator, Master, the one who loves me and defends me when the accuser attacks me. I had never really understood this part, that I need to put in effort in similar ways to how I become closer to a person. It requires spending time, dialogue, and building trust. Faith is something I need to work on, badly. I've had a hard time trusting God, and now I know why. The focus is on love, not rules. I want to behave as God's child, because he loves me so much. I know this is a weak parallel, but in order to relate to the concept better, I thought about royalty. A princess is expected to behave in certain ways because of her status, right? And it's awesome because I'm not part of some man-made "royal" bloodline, bound to some corrupt country and married off as a political pawn. I have a place in an eternal kingdom that has a perfect ruler, one who will never be defeated or intimidated. My dad, the king, loves me more than anyone else is capable of, and I can put my life in His hands without fear. I wonder if it's OK to consider myself as God's little princess...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Turning a New Leaf...
So, it has been about 2 weeks since my proclamation that I would keep my drinking under control. So far, I have been drunk once. I'm not too disappointed with my progress, but it has reminded me of how easy it is to slip back into an old habit. And this particular habit has been almost 12 years in the making. A bit scary, isn't it? One positive thing that has come out of this, though, is the realization that the urge to "party" has been virtually eliminated. Am I just too tired, getting too old, or waking up to the obligations of adulthood? Or maybe it's a combination of reasons? Whatever it is, I'm glad that it has happened. It has been a while since I felt the need to go somewhere happenin', or meet new people, but lately I am also feeling less of an urge to binge drink. I don't even have to try to keep it under control, it's just how I feel. I have zero drama in my life these days, and with my dad gone, I'm so peaceful it's making me delirious. Lately, I've felt high on life, which I probably haven't felt since I was a little kid. However, it hasn't stopped me from becoming moody or bad-tempered, and my slightly unpredictable temperament has been magnified that much by my newly peaceful environment. Just like binge drinking, anger is an old habit which I have yet to kick.
That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.
That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.
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