So, it's been a little over a year since I made my first serious effort to stop drinking. I remember the first time was on July 14th of last year, since it was the day after I went to an Incubus concert. That time, I lasted a month and a half before I messed up royally. There have been a lot of stops and starts since then, full of tears of joy and misery, moments of insecurity and triumph, and extremely awkward phases. I could write several pages on it, but I am definitely not going to right now. I'd just like to share a few insights on the past year (to be continued in the next however many posts are necessary), especially for those who are considering walking into the light, but haven't experienced it before. Not that I am an expert by any means, but I have definitely learned a lot in this short amount of time. So, in light of this week's sermon, today's post will be on fear.
You are probably afraid. Understand that this fear is irrational, and not from God.
For a long time, I was deathly afraid of what I would become if I let go of my lifestyle and followed God. In the past, I had bad experiences with "good" girls-nice, innocent-looking girls who turned out to be quite cold-hearted and mean. I also despised them because I considered myself to be the polar opposite: "bad" on the outside, "good" on the inside, and I hated being treated differently by boys because of this. I also had a bias against churchy Korean girls, many of whom did not seem to care about or know how to take care of their appearances. So, in conclusion, I thought that if I changed for the better as a Christian, I would become a slovenly, unkempt, nice-seeming viper in sheep's clothing. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but a year ago, it was a quite valid fear of mine. I leaned on it as one of my excuses not to change. I was also afraid that giving up drinking meant that I would be home alone every weekend, and people would no longer call me or want to hang out with me. And I was scared of how hard it was going to be to stop. I could not imagine my life without socializing over drinks. What would later reveal itself to be just the tip of the iceberg, was actually a huge mountain in the beginning.
So what I have to say is this: don't be afraid! I see now that I was scared only because the darkness was what I knew well, what I was used to. I was a big fish in my own little pond. I think of the movie Count of Monte Cristo, in which the main character sleeps on the floor in his opulent mansion, because he had gotten so used to sleeping on the cold, hard ground while he was in prison. Old habits aren't easy to break, and we've been practicing the same old routines for many years. And since we are so used to what is bad for us, it will naturally take some time to get used to liking what is good. But, you will never know how much you'll like it, unless you give it a good amount of time, and a real effort. The first time I quit, I felt very deprived. It was so awkward, that I stayed away from any establishment that served alcohol for over a month, and didn't show up to anything that I was invited to. When I look back on the time I failed, I realize that my mentality had been too shaky. I gave myself plenty of room for failure, because part of me was still enticed by my old ways. Thirty minutes after I sat down at the club, I freaked out, thinking, what the hell am I going to do here for the next three hours? It was probably too soon for me to give up cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, and it was way too soon for me to enter a nightclub. Perhaps I had been a little too confident- I obviously had not lived my new life long enough, and I wasn't used to it.
In the months that followed, I went through periods of trying to either quit, or control the drinking (hit-and-miss). I basically ran through my list of excuses and faulty reasoning over and over. However, during that time I also worked on my relationship with God, I served others, and spent time with other growing Christians. Over time, God steadily pruned and molded me, as He continues to do today. And I don't know exactly when it happened, but my irrational fears went away. I am no longer scared of who I am becoming- in fact, I am eager and excited for it!! I can't wait to be a woman of noble character, one who is kind, pure, gentle, and shines with the inner beauty of my Lord. I want to be a beacon of light, the "aroma of Christ"- I want people to see Him when they see me. As I keep walking with God, my hunger for the truth, and all that is good grows more and more. It doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes or wrestle with certain issues multiple times, but it certainly means that I NEVER GIVE UP. I'll chase after God until I die. It's a very good thing that He's always with me, because there's no way that I'd be able to keep up with Him on my own.
In those beginning stages last year, I remember that despite my fears, I made the effort to change, because I had another fear, that I would be 45 and still stuck in my ways. And by this point in my life, after I'd tried pretty much everything, I knew that there was no other way for me to go. "My ways" had no real success, permanence, purpose, or stability. Nothing kept me filled, and I knew that it was because I was choosing not to fill myself with the Spirit. I had hesitated, rebelled, and numbed myself for over a decade. And if you are in the same situation that I was, please know that everything I wrote is absolutely true, and I pray that it encourages you to take the first steps into the light. God will be with you, if you ask Him. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how freakin' great it is over here! Give it a real, honest try.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16
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