Submission: The S-Word

"Submit yourselves, then, to God." -James 4:7
The past 12 months have been, without a doubt, one of the most interesting years of my life. If I had known that following God would be this fulfilling, I would have started a long time ago! I think I was planning to share the lessons I've learned as the year went by, but right now I feel convicted to share what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
Since I have dropped my major vices, there is much clearer communication between me and God, and He has been pruning and shaping me in different ways. It turns out I have a lot more issues than I thought I did, now that the obstructing cloud called binge drinking has been lifted. And a big one in particular, which came up slightly a couple times before, but has now hit hard, is the one of my unruly heart.
Because of my many flings and "relationships" that I've had, I thought that I knew it all. However, it turns out that this is the area in which I am the MOST immature, and inexperienced. Multiple fails does not produce any wins! Sure, I can handle a relationship and almost any guy by the world's standards, but as a Christian...I'm lost.
Mainly through a couple episodes of misplaced interest, God has shown me that my heart is extremely childish. It has no regard for reason or logic, it's selfish (and rather greedy and possessive), and it simply wants what it wants. It's grasping and impulsive.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 7:19
Basically, the analysis of my heart's attitude in regards to romantic love revealed that it was the opposite of the definition of love provided in 1 Corinthians. So, although I started off hoping to rationalize or justify my affections, a part of me knew that it was wrong.
The issue here wasn't whether or not someone was right for me, or how I should go about pursuing him. The problem is that up until now, I have always considered my affections my own, to place them onto whomever I will. If I was interested in someone, I had the right to like them, to think about them obsessively, to pursue them, to take it as far as I wanted it to go, and then end it whenever I wanted it to end. And sure, I always have a choice. I could continue to go about it the same way a lot of people do. But as time passes, my drive to run the race God has marked out for me gets stronger and stronger. I want to go as far as He wants to take me, no more compromising, no more half-assedness. I'm starting to embrace the discomfort and pain that I sometimes go through, because I know He is using it to grow me and make me stronger. If it gets me to where He wants me to be, then I will go through it. Whatever it takes.
Of course, I'm never gung-ho about it in the beginning. I doubt myself, try to make excuses, stall, whine and complain, until the truth is undeniable in my head. Then I wrestle with letting go of my own desires, until my heart comes to terms with His will. Right now, I'm still a little bit sad, but I am joyful. Peace is in my heart...there is freedom in letting go. My spirit sings happily, because I know that my Daddy is pleased.
This is the truth: if I call myself a Christian, I must follow God. Following Him means that I will give Him everything He asks for. After all, He has given me everything...does it make any sense for me to hold back what little I have? It's not really mine to begin with, anyway. Giving Him my heart, to place it utterly under His control- I hope it is a good sacrifice, a pleasant aroma to the One I love more than anyone else in existence.
All of the growth and change in me has been made possible by His mighty love. The closer our relationship becomes, I am increasingly amazed by how deep and profound His love is. I could never wrap my mind around it, it's too much. So, knowing this, I choose to trust Him, although I may be journeying through the wilderness, with no possible solutions that I can see. Who knows, He might introduce me to someone within a year, have me wait 5 years, or even call me to stay single. As of now, I have no clue what He has planned. But I will wait, and follow Him, because no matter how dire the situation may seem, I'd rather go through it with God, than live any other kind of life without Him. And from past experience, I am sure that whatever He has for me is much better than anything I could accomplish on my own.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price" -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
My heart is no longer my own to do with what I will; neither is my mind, body, or soul. It sure was a struggle giving it up, and I'm sure this won't be the last testing, but I already feel a calming sense of relief. It truly is a "sweet surrender".





Note: If you'd like an in-depth look at someone who has brought her heart under Christ's control, check out Purity and Passion by Elisabeth Elliot, a truly gangsta Christian lady, and a wonderful role model.