Another day, another blog post...another step in the transformation process! :)
Actually, what I'm about to recount took place during the month of January. I will condense it as much as possible...
One day early in the new year, I was feeling somewhat lonely, and thinking about the benefits of having a companion, someone to share my life with. Afraid to make any more bad decisions without consulting God, I asked Him what would be the best thing to do. I didn't know if it was OK to take the initiative and seek someone, or if I should just sit and wait for God to intervene, or if just sitting around and waiting was being plain lazy. Confused and emotional, I left it to God, and went to sleep.
The next morning (literally), I received a message from an old friend saying that she and another friend had a surprise for me. A few days later, I found out that they had signed me up for eHarmony for one month.
Normally, I would have become furious, but since this "surprise" came so soon after my prayer, I took it as God's provision, and consented to try it out.
It was like giving me the key to my own little Pandora's box of insecurities. Others would see it as overreacting, and maybe I did, but I tend to over-think things and obsess over them so...
During the month that I tried online "dating", I realized a few things. One, I have an enormous bias against relationships, even marriage. This is because literally 95% of marriages and relationships that I know of are not happy, have had many trials, or ended very badly. I didn't have any real reasons to see marriage or dating as desirable...all of the crap that had to be endured seemed to cancel out the benefits. I didn't understand people who went through so much, with what seemed like such little gain. As such, I was extremely afraid of getting involved with anyone romantically, and I had built a fortress of defiance to safely guard my fear. As I felt pressured to put myself out there and open myself up to the possibility of a relationship, stress began hacking away at my defense mechanism. By the end of the month, the walls had come tumbling down, and I just about drowned in a flood of negativity (which surely involved the enemy). Old lies which used to taunt me resurfaced: you'll always be alone, who could love you for who you are? You don't deserve anyone that you think is great, at best you'll have to settle for someone you have no attraction to. It seemed more realistic to believe these lies instead of the truth that God loves me unconditionally and will always provide what's best for me. Thankfully, I shared my negative thoughts with a couple sisters, who helped (gently) pull me out of the dark side.
Having been brought to my senses, I then launched my own investigation to seek the truth. Up until now I had held an attitude of tightly wound fear and negativity toward romantic love...I now fully acknowledged that my old mentality was wrong, and it was time to figure out what the correct attitude was. I decided to start with another book by one of my most favorite Christian women, Elisabeth Elliot. In her book Let Me Be a Woman, she writes to her engaged daughter on the subject of what it means to be a woman in various stages of life, femininity vs. masculinity, etc. I won't go into a detailed discussion here, but one of the things that really hit me were just how much culture, and even in some cases the modern church, has twisted the definitions of man and woman to directly contradict or soft-pedal what the Bible teaches. God is not "sexist" or oppressive, it's modern ideas that attempt to mangle the truth, and deprive us of the joy in living out our God-ordained roles. Now, as a reformed "femi-Nazi" I thought that I was OK in my views of the sexes, but her biblically supported arguments revealed that I still harbored worldly perspectives on some issues. It was a great relief to learn definitions of man and woman that were solidly back by the Word, and didn't compromise with the world. Also, her presentation on marriage described benefits which finally rang true within my soul. I had already come to the conclusion that it wasn't about finding Mr. Perfect (as if he exists), and the purpose of marriage wasn't to make me happy, but I wasn't so sure what was so good about it. Well, having understood what it means to be a woman, I now wanted the chance to one day flesh out those roles as a wife and mother, to be a support to my husband, and live out the example of Christ's relationship with the Church through my marriage. I'd like to experience for myself God's calling for most of us.
With the aid of this book and a lot of prayer, I had more or less settled my perspective on marriage, and corrected it as good and desirable, as our Father of lights has ordained it. But my mission was not yet complete. I still had a shaky position on what comes before the wedding: meeting someone, dating, etc... Cue the next book by Elliot (no, I'm not joking).
A week after I finished Let Me Be a Woman, I bought Quest for Love, which contains true stories of men and women who met and married, relying entirely on God's guidance. In the great majority of cases, they did not date. At all. Shocking, isn't it? Some of the stories indeed seem like fairy tales, what with the "coincidences" that abound, but unlike man-made stories, these are true accounts of God's infinite wisdom and perfect timing. It filled me with a sense of wonder that fairy tales tend to elicit, but it was all the more delightful because these were real events that God brought about in order to unite a man and woman. As women we like to dwell on romantic fantasy, hence the insane popularity of K-dramas, Twilight, etc. But these are all empty, and unhealthy to attach ourselves to. Desiring to depend on God emotionally, and knowing my addictive tendencies, by this time my exposure to any books/TV/films in the romance genre was kept to a minimum. But as I started reading this book, my astonishment led me to dare to open myself up to that sense of wonder and opportunity again. Because this time, it was not a fantasy. This was our God, creator of the universe, caring about individuals enough to involve himself in the details of their love lives. God is also the God of romance, in the real sense. I was blown away by His deep involvement in small events.
So my hope in true love rests in the Lord. I am confident He cares enough to take care of this part of my life. I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs, however.
There are a few things that the people in this book had in common, and you and I would do well to learn from them. First, they submitted their hearts to the Lord. Whether it was loneliness, desire for marriage, unrequited love, or impulsive passions, they gave them up and laid them all at His feet. Second, they continued to do what they had to do each day. Regardless of how they felt, they remained in the present and did what God asked of them. Third, they waited upon the Lord. They chose to trust Him, and remained alert for His voice and direction.
Now, of course none of this is easy. But anything that's worth gaining is not easily attained, and there's no true happiness without holiness. So, regardless of how I feel, I'm going to wait on God...even if it means that marriage isn't in the picture. Eharmony was an interesting experience, but I refuse to grasp at whatever God has not put within my reach. And dating more wrong people is not going get me anywhere closer to the right one. The world has such a twisted, crap-tastic view on love...the enemy's been working on it for a long time, no doubt. I will no longer settle for a poor substitute...I choose real Love.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Balancing Act
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10
As much as I know I can't do life on my own, as much as I don't want to do life on my own anymore, I still end up doing it!!
Sure, I've made a little progress..."on my own" no longer means partying and other bs every week, but even with the improvements in my lifestyle, it is still too easy to stray.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" -1 Cor. 10:12
The thing is, for a while I had no idea that I was stumbling. Nothing was going wrong in my life...my concern grew, however, when I became increasingly moody and irritated. I started to lose motivation, my focus was blurry, and I was getting sick and tired. Recently I've been staring inwardly a lot, and I'm very disappointed with what I see. My anger, how judgmental I am, how I can't just be consistently gentle or generous or kind...I've thought that maybe I'm not fit to lead a ministry. I feel so stupid after I try to give advice to people...who do I think I am? I don't know jack...I fall way too often to be an example to anyone.
Self-hating pity party? Maybe. Emo? Definitely.
Thank God for his word.
After discussing some of my frustration with my pastor's wife recently, she advised that it was probably because I have been idle, ministry-wise. I went from book clubs and weekly small groups to...not very much in the past 2 months, besides delivering the Christmas sermon. I thought that taking a break would be good, since I was afraid of burning out from doing too much, but it turns out that it made me spiritually lazy. I had become used to continually pouring myself out for others, and the significant decrease in such activity didn't restore me, but led me to become more selfish and self-preserving instead.
God shed more light on my predicament last night at our weekly leader's meeting. Our pastor prayed that we would keep our relationship with God as #1, that simply doing things wouldn't take the place of being in love with our Creator. That's when I realized that I had my priorities mixed up. A little over a month ago, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I felt a sense of urgency to do more in terms of serving others. I started to research ways I could devote more of my time to help the poor and oppressed, and think about how to motivate others to do the same. These are not bad things to think about at all, but I in my lack of ability to balance, started to put too much weight on deeds, and my faith began to shrink. I forgot that I am saved by grace, and that I am loved unconditionally for who I am, not what I do. I was dwelling too much on the evil and oppression in this world, so that I doubted God's power and purpose. I felt guilty and frustrated that I had so much while others starved...it led me to examine myself more closely, so that I started becoming very critical of myself and others, and my old self resurfaced in more ways than one. I became concerned with impressing God, and when I repeatedly failed, I got angry and lost motivation to do good. My attempts at good deeds were on my own steam...they weren't flowing out of my love relationship with Christ. I had become convinced that my growth depended on "trying harder". I saw my shortcomings and lack of action as pitiful excuses...I became merciless, losing sight of the fact that we are all dependent on God's mercy.
A slippery slope...I didn't fall from deliberately sinning, but from trying to do good!
But I was sinning anyway, because I put my own efforts and accomplishments over loving God. I fell short of the first and greatest commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." -Matt. 22:37
Along with that, how about forgetting the very essence of salvation:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Eph. 2:8-9
Here's the truth: I can't earn God's love, or make him love me more by doing things. He loves us not because we're so great, but because He IS love. Thinking that it was all up to me was pure arrogance. Of course I'm not that great, of course I'm messed up-- it's not about me, it's about Him. He's the one who loves, who enables me to love and do good. His beauty shines when bringing forth light from what was once darkness.
So it's back to the basics for me! Truth is freedom. I can't say I've fully recovered yet, but once again, that's up to God, not me, thankfully.
I hope to one day gain the state of mind of the writer of Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."
God's love and peace be with us.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10
As much as I know I can't do life on my own, as much as I don't want to do life on my own anymore, I still end up doing it!!
Sure, I've made a little progress..."on my own" no longer means partying and other bs every week, but even with the improvements in my lifestyle, it is still too easy to stray.
"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!" -1 Cor. 10:12
The thing is, for a while I had no idea that I was stumbling. Nothing was going wrong in my life...my concern grew, however, when I became increasingly moody and irritated. I started to lose motivation, my focus was blurry, and I was getting sick and tired. Recently I've been staring inwardly a lot, and I'm very disappointed with what I see. My anger, how judgmental I am, how I can't just be consistently gentle or generous or kind...I've thought that maybe I'm not fit to lead a ministry. I feel so stupid after I try to give advice to people...who do I think I am? I don't know jack...I fall way too often to be an example to anyone.
Self-hating pity party? Maybe. Emo? Definitely.
Thank God for his word.
After discussing some of my frustration with my pastor's wife recently, she advised that it was probably because I have been idle, ministry-wise. I went from book clubs and weekly small groups to...not very much in the past 2 months, besides delivering the Christmas sermon. I thought that taking a break would be good, since I was afraid of burning out from doing too much, but it turns out that it made me spiritually lazy. I had become used to continually pouring myself out for others, and the significant decrease in such activity didn't restore me, but led me to become more selfish and self-preserving instead.
God shed more light on my predicament last night at our weekly leader's meeting. Our pastor prayed that we would keep our relationship with God as #1, that simply doing things wouldn't take the place of being in love with our Creator. That's when I realized that I had my priorities mixed up. A little over a month ago, I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and I felt a sense of urgency to do more in terms of serving others. I started to research ways I could devote more of my time to help the poor and oppressed, and think about how to motivate others to do the same. These are not bad things to think about at all, but I in my lack of ability to balance, started to put too much weight on deeds, and my faith began to shrink. I forgot that I am saved by grace, and that I am loved unconditionally for who I am, not what I do. I was dwelling too much on the evil and oppression in this world, so that I doubted God's power and purpose. I felt guilty and frustrated that I had so much while others starved...it led me to examine myself more closely, so that I started becoming very critical of myself and others, and my old self resurfaced in more ways than one. I became concerned with impressing God, and when I repeatedly failed, I got angry and lost motivation to do good. My attempts at good deeds were on my own steam...they weren't flowing out of my love relationship with Christ. I had become convinced that my growth depended on "trying harder". I saw my shortcomings and lack of action as pitiful excuses...I became merciless, losing sight of the fact that we are all dependent on God's mercy.
A slippery slope...I didn't fall from deliberately sinning, but from trying to do good!
But I was sinning anyway, because I put my own efforts and accomplishments over loving God. I fell short of the first and greatest commandment:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." -Matt. 22:37
Along with that, how about forgetting the very essence of salvation:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." -Eph. 2:8-9
Here's the truth: I can't earn God's love, or make him love me more by doing things. He loves us not because we're so great, but because He IS love. Thinking that it was all up to me was pure arrogance. Of course I'm not that great, of course I'm messed up-- it's not about me, it's about Him. He's the one who loves, who enables me to love and do good. His beauty shines when bringing forth light from what was once darkness.
So it's back to the basics for me! Truth is freedom. I can't say I've fully recovered yet, but once again, that's up to God, not me, thankfully.
I hope to one day gain the state of mind of the writer of Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore."
God's love and peace be with us.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Submission: The S-Word
"Submit yourselves, then, to God." -James 4:7
The past 12 months have been, without a doubt, one of the most interesting years of my life. If I had known that following God would be this fulfilling, I would have started a long time ago! I think I was planning to share the lessons I've learned as the year went by, but right now I feel convicted to share what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
Since I have dropped my major vices, there is much clearer communication between me and God, and He has been pruning and shaping me in different ways. It turns out I have a lot more issues than I thought I did, now that the obstructing cloud called binge drinking has been lifted. And a big one in particular, which came up slightly a couple times before, but has now hit hard, is the one of my unruly heart.
Because of my many flings and "relationships" that I've had, I thought that I knew it all. However, it turns out that this is the area in which I am the MOST immature, and inexperienced. Multiple fails does not produce any wins! Sure, I can handle a relationship and almost any guy by the world's standards, but as a Christian...I'm lost.
Mainly through a couple episodes of misplaced interest, God has shown me that my heart is extremely childish. It has no regard for reason or logic, it's selfish (and rather greedy and possessive), and it simply wants what it wants. It's grasping and impulsive.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 7:19
Basically, the analysis of my heart's attitude in regards to romantic love revealed that it was the opposite of the definition of love provided in 1 Corinthians. So, although I started off hoping to rationalize or justify my affections, a part of me knew that it was wrong.
The issue here wasn't whether or not someone was right for me, or how I should go about pursuing him. The problem is that up until now, I have always considered my affections my own, to place them onto whomever I will. If I was interested in someone, I had the right to like them, to think about them obsessively, to pursue them, to take it as far as I wanted it to go, and then end it whenever I wanted it to end. And sure, I always have a choice. I could continue to go about it the same way a lot of people do. But as time passes, my drive to run the race God has marked out for me gets stronger and stronger. I want to go as far as He wants to take me, no more compromising, no more half-assedness. I'm starting to embrace the discomfort and pain that I sometimes go through, because I know He is using it to grow me and make me stronger. If it gets me to where He wants me to be, then I will go through it. Whatever it takes.
Of course, I'm never gung-ho about it in the beginning. I doubt myself, try to make excuses, stall, whine and complain, until the truth is undeniable in my head. Then I wrestle with letting go of my own desires, until my heart comes to terms with His will. Right now, I'm still a little bit sad, but I am joyful. Peace is in my heart...there is freedom in letting go. My spirit sings happily, because I know that my Daddy is pleased.
This is the truth: if I call myself a Christian, I must follow God. Following Him means that I will give Him everything He asks for. After all, He has given me everything...does it make any sense for me to hold back what little I have? It's not really mine to begin with, anyway. Giving Him my heart, to place it utterly under His control- I hope it is a good sacrifice, a pleasant aroma to the One I love more than anyone else in existence.
All of the growth and change in me has been made possible by His mighty love. The closer our relationship becomes, I am increasingly amazed by how deep and profound His love is. I could never wrap my mind around it, it's too much. So, knowing this, I choose to trust Him, although I may be journeying through the wilderness, with no possible solutions that I can see. Who knows, He might introduce me to someone within a year, have me wait 5 years, or even call me to stay single. As of now, I have no clue what He has planned. But I will wait, and follow Him, because no matter how dire the situation may seem, I'd rather go through it with God, than live any other kind of life without Him. And from past experience, I am sure that whatever He has for me is much better than anything I could accomplish on my own.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price" -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
My heart is no longer my own to do with what I will; neither is my mind, body, or soul. It sure was a struggle giving it up, and I'm sure this won't be the last testing, but I already feel a calming sense of relief. It truly is a "sweet surrender".
Note: If you'd like an in-depth look at someone who has brought her heart under Christ's control, check out Purity and Passion by Elisabeth Elliot, a truly gangsta Christian lady, and a wonderful role model.
The past 12 months have been, without a doubt, one of the most interesting years of my life. If I had known that following God would be this fulfilling, I would have started a long time ago! I think I was planning to share the lessons I've learned as the year went by, but right now I feel convicted to share what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
Since I have dropped my major vices, there is much clearer communication between me and God, and He has been pruning and shaping me in different ways. It turns out I have a lot more issues than I thought I did, now that the obstructing cloud called binge drinking has been lifted. And a big one in particular, which came up slightly a couple times before, but has now hit hard, is the one of my unruly heart.
Because of my many flings and "relationships" that I've had, I thought that I knew it all. However, it turns out that this is the area in which I am the MOST immature, and inexperienced. Multiple fails does not produce any wins! Sure, I can handle a relationship and almost any guy by the world's standards, but as a Christian...I'm lost.
Mainly through a couple episodes of misplaced interest, God has shown me that my heart is extremely childish. It has no regard for reason or logic, it's selfish (and rather greedy and possessive), and it simply wants what it wants. It's grasping and impulsive.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 7:19
Basically, the analysis of my heart's attitude in regards to romantic love revealed that it was the opposite of the definition of love provided in 1 Corinthians. So, although I started off hoping to rationalize or justify my affections, a part of me knew that it was wrong.
The issue here wasn't whether or not someone was right for me, or how I should go about pursuing him. The problem is that up until now, I have always considered my affections my own, to place them onto whomever I will. If I was interested in someone, I had the right to like them, to think about them obsessively, to pursue them, to take it as far as I wanted it to go, and then end it whenever I wanted it to end. And sure, I always have a choice. I could continue to go about it the same way a lot of people do. But as time passes, my drive to run the race God has marked out for me gets stronger and stronger. I want to go as far as He wants to take me, no more compromising, no more half-assedness. I'm starting to embrace the discomfort and pain that I sometimes go through, because I know He is using it to grow me and make me stronger. If it gets me to where He wants me to be, then I will go through it. Whatever it takes.
Of course, I'm never gung-ho about it in the beginning. I doubt myself, try to make excuses, stall, whine and complain, until the truth is undeniable in my head. Then I wrestle with letting go of my own desires, until my heart comes to terms with His will. Right now, I'm still a little bit sad, but I am joyful. Peace is in my heart...there is freedom in letting go. My spirit sings happily, because I know that my Daddy is pleased.
This is the truth: if I call myself a Christian, I must follow God. Following Him means that I will give Him everything He asks for. After all, He has given me everything...does it make any sense for me to hold back what little I have? It's not really mine to begin with, anyway. Giving Him my heart, to place it utterly under His control- I hope it is a good sacrifice, a pleasant aroma to the One I love more than anyone else in existence.
All of the growth and change in me has been made possible by His mighty love. The closer our relationship becomes, I am increasingly amazed by how deep and profound His love is. I could never wrap my mind around it, it's too much. So, knowing this, I choose to trust Him, although I may be journeying through the wilderness, with no possible solutions that I can see. Who knows, He might introduce me to someone within a year, have me wait 5 years, or even call me to stay single. As of now, I have no clue what He has planned. But I will wait, and follow Him, because no matter how dire the situation may seem, I'd rather go through it with God, than live any other kind of life without Him. And from past experience, I am sure that whatever He has for me is much better than anything I could accomplish on my own.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price" -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
My heart is no longer my own to do with what I will; neither is my mind, body, or soul. It sure was a struggle giving it up, and I'm sure this won't be the last testing, but I already feel a calming sense of relief. It truly is a "sweet surrender".
Note: If you'd like an in-depth look at someone who has brought her heart under Christ's control, check out Purity and Passion by Elisabeth Elliot, a truly gangsta Christian lady, and a wonderful role model.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Afraid of the Light?
So, it's been a little over a year since I made my first serious effort to stop drinking. I remember the first time was on July 14th of last year, since it was the day after I went to an Incubus concert. That time, I lasted a month and a half before I messed up royally. There have been a lot of stops and starts since then, full of tears of joy and misery, moments of insecurity and triumph, and extremely awkward phases. I could write several pages on it, but I am definitely not going to right now. I'd just like to share a few insights on the past year (to be continued in the next however many posts are necessary), especially for those who are considering walking into the light, but haven't experienced it before. Not that I am an expert by any means, but I have definitely learned a lot in this short amount of time. So, in light of this week's sermon, today's post will be on fear.
You are probably afraid. Understand that this fear is irrational, and not from God.
For a long time, I was deathly afraid of what I would become if I let go of my lifestyle and followed God. In the past, I had bad experiences with "good" girls-nice, innocent-looking girls who turned out to be quite cold-hearted and mean. I also despised them because I considered myself to be the polar opposite: "bad" on the outside, "good" on the inside, and I hated being treated differently by boys because of this. I also had a bias against churchy Korean girls, many of whom did not seem to care about or know how to take care of their appearances. So, in conclusion, I thought that if I changed for the better as a Christian, I would become a slovenly, unkempt, nice-seeming viper in sheep's clothing. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but a year ago, it was a quite valid fear of mine. I leaned on it as one of my excuses not to change. I was also afraid that giving up drinking meant that I would be home alone every weekend, and people would no longer call me or want to hang out with me. And I was scared of how hard it was going to be to stop. I could not imagine my life without socializing over drinks. What would later reveal itself to be just the tip of the iceberg, was actually a huge mountain in the beginning.
So what I have to say is this: don't be afraid! I see now that I was scared only because the darkness was what I knew well, what I was used to. I was a big fish in my own little pond. I think of the movie Count of Monte Cristo, in which the main character sleeps on the floor in his opulent mansion, because he had gotten so used to sleeping on the cold, hard ground while he was in prison. Old habits aren't easy to break, and we've been practicing the same old routines for many years. And since we are so used to what is bad for us, it will naturally take some time to get used to liking what is good. But, you will never know how much you'll like it, unless you give it a good amount of time, and a real effort. The first time I quit, I felt very deprived. It was so awkward, that I stayed away from any establishment that served alcohol for over a month, and didn't show up to anything that I was invited to. When I look back on the time I failed, I realize that my mentality had been too shaky. I gave myself plenty of room for failure, because part of me was still enticed by my old ways. Thirty minutes after I sat down at the club, I freaked out, thinking, what the hell am I going to do here for the next three hours? It was probably too soon for me to give up cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, and it was way too soon for me to enter a nightclub. Perhaps I had been a little too confident- I obviously had not lived my new life long enough, and I wasn't used to it.
In the months that followed, I went through periods of trying to either quit, or control the drinking (hit-and-miss). I basically ran through my list of excuses and faulty reasoning over and over. However, during that time I also worked on my relationship with God, I served others, and spent time with other growing Christians. Over time, God steadily pruned and molded me, as He continues to do today. And I don't know exactly when it happened, but my irrational fears went away. I am no longer scared of who I am becoming- in fact, I am eager and excited for it!! I can't wait to be a woman of noble character, one who is kind, pure, gentle, and shines with the inner beauty of my Lord. I want to be a beacon of light, the "aroma of Christ"- I want people to see Him when they see me. As I keep walking with God, my hunger for the truth, and all that is good grows more and more. It doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes or wrestle with certain issues multiple times, but it certainly means that I NEVER GIVE UP. I'll chase after God until I die. It's a very good thing that He's always with me, because there's no way that I'd be able to keep up with Him on my own.
In those beginning stages last year, I remember that despite my fears, I made the effort to change, because I had another fear, that I would be 45 and still stuck in my ways. And by this point in my life, after I'd tried pretty much everything, I knew that there was no other way for me to go. "My ways" had no real success, permanence, purpose, or stability. Nothing kept me filled, and I knew that it was because I was choosing not to fill myself with the Spirit. I had hesitated, rebelled, and numbed myself for over a decade. And if you are in the same situation that I was, please know that everything I wrote is absolutely true, and I pray that it encourages you to take the first steps into the light. God will be with you, if you ask Him. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how freakin' great it is over here! Give it a real, honest try.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16
You are probably afraid. Understand that this fear is irrational, and not from God.
For a long time, I was deathly afraid of what I would become if I let go of my lifestyle and followed God. In the past, I had bad experiences with "good" girls-nice, innocent-looking girls who turned out to be quite cold-hearted and mean. I also despised them because I considered myself to be the polar opposite: "bad" on the outside, "good" on the inside, and I hated being treated differently by boys because of this. I also had a bias against churchy Korean girls, many of whom did not seem to care about or know how to take care of their appearances. So, in conclusion, I thought that if I changed for the better as a Christian, I would become a slovenly, unkempt, nice-seeming viper in sheep's clothing. It sounds ridiculous to me now, but a year ago, it was a quite valid fear of mine. I leaned on it as one of my excuses not to change. I was also afraid that giving up drinking meant that I would be home alone every weekend, and people would no longer call me or want to hang out with me. And I was scared of how hard it was going to be to stop. I could not imagine my life without socializing over drinks. What would later reveal itself to be just the tip of the iceberg, was actually a huge mountain in the beginning.
So what I have to say is this: don't be afraid! I see now that I was scared only because the darkness was what I knew well, what I was used to. I was a big fish in my own little pond. I think of the movie Count of Monte Cristo, in which the main character sleeps on the floor in his opulent mansion, because he had gotten so used to sleeping on the cold, hard ground while he was in prison. Old habits aren't easy to break, and we've been practicing the same old routines for many years. And since we are so used to what is bad for us, it will naturally take some time to get used to liking what is good. But, you will never know how much you'll like it, unless you give it a good amount of time, and a real effort. The first time I quit, I felt very deprived. It was so awkward, that I stayed away from any establishment that served alcohol for over a month, and didn't show up to anything that I was invited to. When I look back on the time I failed, I realize that my mentality had been too shaky. I gave myself plenty of room for failure, because part of me was still enticed by my old ways. Thirty minutes after I sat down at the club, I freaked out, thinking, what the hell am I going to do here for the next three hours? It was probably too soon for me to give up cigarettes and alcohol at the same time, and it was way too soon for me to enter a nightclub. Perhaps I had been a little too confident- I obviously had not lived my new life long enough, and I wasn't used to it.
In the months that followed, I went through periods of trying to either quit, or control the drinking (hit-and-miss). I basically ran through my list of excuses and faulty reasoning over and over. However, during that time I also worked on my relationship with God, I served others, and spent time with other growing Christians. Over time, God steadily pruned and molded me, as He continues to do today. And I don't know exactly when it happened, but my irrational fears went away. I am no longer scared of who I am becoming- in fact, I am eager and excited for it!! I can't wait to be a woman of noble character, one who is kind, pure, gentle, and shines with the inner beauty of my Lord. I want to be a beacon of light, the "aroma of Christ"- I want people to see Him when they see me. As I keep walking with God, my hunger for the truth, and all that is good grows more and more. It doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes or wrestle with certain issues multiple times, but it certainly means that I NEVER GIVE UP. I'll chase after God until I die. It's a very good thing that He's always with me, because there's no way that I'd be able to keep up with Him on my own.
In those beginning stages last year, I remember that despite my fears, I made the effort to change, because I had another fear, that I would be 45 and still stuck in my ways. And by this point in my life, after I'd tried pretty much everything, I knew that there was no other way for me to go. "My ways" had no real success, permanence, purpose, or stability. Nothing kept me filled, and I knew that it was because I was choosing not to fill myself with the Spirit. I had hesitated, rebelled, and numbed myself for over a decade. And if you are in the same situation that I was, please know that everything I wrote is absolutely true, and I pray that it encourages you to take the first steps into the light. God will be with you, if you ask Him. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how freakin' great it is over here! Give it a real, honest try.
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." -Romans 8:15-16
Friday, October 1, 2010
Obedience is Bliss
This morning I peeled a couple of peaches for my parents, and when my dad said "thank you", it actually felt good to hear it. All of a sudden, I remembered how good it used to feel every time my parents were pleased that I obeyed them. When I was a child, I craved their love and approval.
It made me wonder...when did I stop liking obeying my parents? As a teenager, I guess you could attribute it to puberty and whatnot, but my rebelliousness lasted much longer than that.
I was shocked to realize just last year that even through all of the anger and bitterness towards my father, I actually still deeply cared about what he thought of me. I think that was part of what fueled my anger, mixed in with other issues. No wonder God tells us to "Flee the evil desires of youth" -2 Timothy 2:22.
As I am thinking these days about what it means to be an adult, and getting my priorities straight, I am becoming serious about being a good daughter to my parents. And I don't want to just tolerate them; I want to be loving and generous towards them. And in part, that means obeying them with the same joyful willingness that I had when I was a kid.
Of course, now I know better than to depend on their approval for my own happiness and security- that dependence I now place in Christ. I realize that for many years, I projected my resistance to authority onto God also, and it held me back for a long time. Now, I don't want to obey Him grudgingly, or simply out of obligation. I want to bask in the freedom that comes from obeying Him, and to obey with a joyful, willing heart. And I want that to be reflected in how I treat my family, my friends, even strangers I come into contact with in passing.
I never thought my childhood memories would become useful, but remembering how I used to eagerly obey my parents has definitely shed some light on how to live joyfully. Thank you, God.
It made me wonder...when did I stop liking obeying my parents? As a teenager, I guess you could attribute it to puberty and whatnot, but my rebelliousness lasted much longer than that.
I was shocked to realize just last year that even through all of the anger and bitterness towards my father, I actually still deeply cared about what he thought of me. I think that was part of what fueled my anger, mixed in with other issues. No wonder God tells us to "Flee the evil desires of youth" -2 Timothy 2:22.
As I am thinking these days about what it means to be an adult, and getting my priorities straight, I am becoming serious about being a good daughter to my parents. And I don't want to just tolerate them; I want to be loving and generous towards them. And in part, that means obeying them with the same joyful willingness that I had when I was a kid.
Of course, now I know better than to depend on their approval for my own happiness and security- that dependence I now place in Christ. I realize that for many years, I projected my resistance to authority onto God also, and it held me back for a long time. Now, I don't want to obey Him grudgingly, or simply out of obligation. I want to bask in the freedom that comes from obeying Him, and to obey with a joyful, willing heart. And I want that to be reflected in how I treat my family, my friends, even strangers I come into contact with in passing.
I never thought my childhood memories would become useful, but remembering how I used to eagerly obey my parents has definitely shed some light on how to live joyfully. Thank you, God.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Leap of Faith
This past Sunday I attended Thanksgiving Church with one of my close friends, who is looking for a home church. I had been there a few times already, but I had never heard the regular pastor speak. What a great sermon, the Word shot me straight me through the heart that day. Basically, he discussed Abraham's life as recorded in Genesis, and how he lived by faith. God began his relationship with Abe through a promise. And the fact is that when Abraham believed God, it was credited to him as righteousness. There was a whole lot of waiting and trusting involved. By the time Abraham died, he didn't see his descendants become as numerous as the stars in the sky. That process took a long time, as did the promise that all nations would be blessed through him. One of the pastor's points that hit home was that these days, we focus too much on the rules of God, and not on the relationship. And building that relationship involves believing in God's promises, and trusting Him. However, that does not mean that we will see that promise come to fruition in our lifetime. He has a plan for us, but that does not mean that results will become evident in a few days, weeks, or even decades. It really requires us to relinquish our compulsion to control what's happening in our lives. It's supposed to go something like this, right (especially if you're Korean): get good grades in high school, go to a good college, graduate and get a good job, then get married (before the age of 30), have children son afterwards, and eventually retire. Although I refused to pressure myself into the Ivy League track, or stick with a major just so I could graduate "on time", I am well aware of the social expectations that I'm supposed to live up to. Sadly, I am often a little ashamed of my point in life right now (DUI, post-grad still working for my parents, still not sure about my career choice), but I persist on seeing this time as valuable. Why? Well, because I have a lot of free time, first of all, and I could really use this time to work on building a relationship with God. In the past, I tended to become legalistic and self-righteous. I like studying, learning is something I'm good at, and I think I focused to much on studying God, without getting to know Him too well on a personal level. I was (and still am, though to a lesser degree) extremely wary of becoming overly emotional when it comes to my faith. I detested the "blind faith" Christians, who screamed God at people, but had no knowledge about what they believed in, and could not defend their faith to non-believers. So now, having learned a little bit from my mistakes, I'm working on getting closer to my Father, Savior, Shepherd, King, Creator, Master, the one who loves me and defends me when the accuser attacks me. I had never really understood this part, that I need to put in effort in similar ways to how I become closer to a person. It requires spending time, dialogue, and building trust. Faith is something I need to work on, badly. I've had a hard time trusting God, and now I know why. The focus is on love, not rules. I want to behave as God's child, because he loves me so much. I know this is a weak parallel, but in order to relate to the concept better, I thought about royalty. A princess is expected to behave in certain ways because of her status, right? And it's awesome because I'm not part of some man-made "royal" bloodline, bound to some corrupt country and married off as a political pawn. I have a place in an eternal kingdom that has a perfect ruler, one who will never be defeated or intimidated. My dad, the king, loves me more than anyone else is capable of, and I can put my life in His hands without fear. I wonder if it's OK to consider myself as God's little princess...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Turning a New Leaf...
So, it has been about 2 weeks since my proclamation that I would keep my drinking under control. So far, I have been drunk once. I'm not too disappointed with my progress, but it has reminded me of how easy it is to slip back into an old habit. And this particular habit has been almost 12 years in the making. A bit scary, isn't it? One positive thing that has come out of this, though, is the realization that the urge to "party" has been virtually eliminated. Am I just too tired, getting too old, or waking up to the obligations of adulthood? Or maybe it's a combination of reasons? Whatever it is, I'm glad that it has happened. It has been a while since I felt the need to go somewhere happenin', or meet new people, but lately I am also feeling less of an urge to binge drink. I don't even have to try to keep it under control, it's just how I feel. I have zero drama in my life these days, and with my dad gone, I'm so peaceful it's making me delirious. Lately, I've felt high on life, which I probably haven't felt since I was a little kid. However, it hasn't stopped me from becoming moody or bad-tempered, and my slightly unpredictable temperament has been magnified that much by my newly peaceful environment. Just like binge drinking, anger is an old habit which I have yet to kick.
That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.
That said, I'm not going to be worried or stressed out, because I have realized that I need to prioritize my relationship with God. I'm going to put that first in my life, and I know that as long as I do that, the solutions will come. In the past year, I spent most of my time thinking about my future, and asking God what I should do. However, I never received a clear answer, and even now I'm not sure if I'm going in the right direction. Career-wise, I have always felt that I will do whatever He wants me to do, but I have never been called in one direction. I see now that my focus was in the neighborhood, but not on target. I need to really get to know Him, not just study Him. I have kept Him at arm's length for an irritatingly long time. Before I was charged with my DUI, I questioned how long I would be getting away with my frivolous lifestyle, without suffering any consequences. The distance I felt between me and God I see now as Him giving me my space, watching and waiting to see if I would turn to the right path. For I put Him off, not out of ignorance, but from laziness and obstinacy. If becoming God's servant can be compared to jumping into the ocean, I've had one foot on land, and one in the water, for almost 10 years. It's time for me to take a swim.
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